Well...it happened.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010 I lost my Grandpa.
I spent everyday with him prior to his passing...however, I was at work when it actually happened. My mom had sent me a text telling me it was getting close and I think in my heart I didn't want to be there for it. I had spent several hours with him the night before, he had told me he loved me, and I kissed him and said goodbye. (I only thought it was goodbye for the night, I had no idea it would be my final goodbye.) The drive to the Hospice House was absolutely horrible...it took me thirty minutes to get there and I have never felt so lonely in my life. Once I FINALLY got there, I sat with my family and waited for them to finish preparing "the body," as they kept saying. We got to spend several hours with him before they took him to the funeral home... It didn't even feel like he had passed away. To me, it just seemed like he was sleeping... I must have kissed his forehead and rubbed his head a million times that night. Then they came and took him away.
The next few days were tough - Rebecca and I helped with a lot of the funeral planning. It means SO much to me that they allowed me to play such a big part in it all.... we did the photo boards, I helped my grandma with the music and made the CD, I did the programs with my mom and Theresa, we picked out special Grandpa flowers.... it was one last chance I had to be there for my Grandpa Tino and to show him how much he truly means to me.
December 5th, 2010
This was the day of his viewing... it was to start at noon but I got there at 11:30 to have a few moments alone with him. I had written him a goodbye letter for his casket the night before, and I just wanted to talk to him. He looked absolutely amazing by the way... he was wearing such a handsome suit and a shirt and tie I bought for him. You would never know the hell that man had been through the months prior.
Since he had passed away I had just felt this HUGE hole inside my heart... that's not just an expression either...I seriously felt a void. My family really pulled together for each other but it just wasn't the same without my Grandpa there.... he was the rock of our family.... life is just so different and weird without him. His viewing had so many beautiful bouquets and the photo displays were beautiful. My Aunt Debbie had a military display with some pictures from the Army and his jacket....that table was perfect. It was so neat to see everyone coming to pay their respects to such a wonderful man... people from his favorite restaurant even sent a GORGEOUS flower arrangement and came by to say goodbye. People were sharing stories about him, people were crying, people were laughing, either way...you could really tell what kind of effect he had on each and every single person he came into contact with. I only hope to lead a life as fulfilling as his must have been. At 4:00 his viewing ended...and everyone got in line to see his handsome face one last time... we all took our turns saying goodbye to him before they closed his casket forever. David and I went up there together, I think it's because we feel stronger together then apart. I kissed his forehead and told him how much I was going to miss him.
December 6th, 2010
Today was his funeral. It was at West Side... the church had his photo boards displayed. I sat in between my Dad and Lance... his casket sat right next to the Church's Christmas Tree. That was just a constant reminder at how sad Christmas will be this year. His service was perfect....well, as perfect as a funeral service can be. In The Garden, Old Rugged Cross, Daddy's Hands, and Rest High on the Mountain were the songs that were played.... the last one was one I chose for him:
I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
Oh, how we cried the day you left us
And gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels’ faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
I thought these lyrics were very nice for him...the last year of his life was very troubled with chemo, radiation, broken bones, cat scans, procedures, hospital stays, needles, etc. etc. etc. BUT he wasn't scared to go through that hell.... he fought hard the last year and finally it was his time to just rest. They played that song right before they wheeled him out... I cried so loud I couldn't even hear the song. (Sorry Grandpa, I couldn't help but cause a scene....) haha. Prior to playing that song, they allowed anyone that wanted to to stand up and share special memories...oh man, I could have talked for hours. Howerver, I wasn't able to say a single word...but Grandpa knows how special he was to me. I couldn't cause TWO scenes that day... :) Then Stephen, Joey, Joshua, Jonny, Tyler, and Mike Grabauskas and David and Connar as the honorary pall bearers led my Grandpa out of the sanctuary. They covered his casket with the American flag and they took him to the car.... Rebecca and I rode in the family car with everyone else and we took him to his burial. It was a military funeral and it just made me so proud for him.... they did the gun salute (which we all got to pick up and keep the bullets) and played TAPS. Then they folded up the flag and gave it to my Grandma... I just know my Grandpa was beaming with pride...and he should be. He lived a great life and will be missed more then he could even know.
TODAY
It's been nine days since I've lost him...I still cry everyday and miss him just like it happened an hour a go. I have gone over to his house a few times and it's like he never left. I feel him...I feel his presence so much in that house. I was terrified to step foot in that house, I thought it would kill me, and honestly it still really hurts being there knowing he never will be again, but that's his home. I feel him in my heart. The "I LOVE PAPA" frame I made for him with our pictures in it was displayed at his funeral and is now placed back on the wall where he originally chose it to hang... his blue chair is still sitting in front of his TV... it's like he's still there. My grandma is having a pretty hard time and I'm trying to be there for her as much as possible, but it's just so hard sometimes to be as strong as she is....I miss him like crazy, I don't know how she's so strong. She's an amazing lady. She called me tonight to check up on me because she knew I was having a sad day... I need to keep reminding myself that I still have her. I put so much of my energy always into my Grandpa...even before he was sick...she deserves the same! I think I might go to his grave tomorrow morning when I wake up...the weather is supposed to get nasty, so I'd like to go see his grave before Winter hits fullforce. Hopefully in the Spring I can spend more time there...hopefully being there will give me some sort of peace.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
What life has taught me...
"The best way out is always through...."
"Pain nourishes courage...you can't be brave if you have only had wonderful things happen to you."
I feel that life is a lesson. God has each step paved and planned for you and he hopes that you learn the lesson he is trying to teach with each movement. It is hard to see the positive in each negative and I continue to struggle with that on a daily basis...however it is becoming easier. Our family has really pulled together with the recent battles with cancer...we can not actually travel the journey for them, but we can be there every step of the way for them to lean on us or to be picked up when they feel they can not fight any longer. We have always been close as family but it is on a whole new level post-diagnosis. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. That's the way I see life now.
Working in the oncology field and dealing with oncology in my home life has really put things in perspective. I see patients face huge issues on a daily basis and they still come in and greet me with a smile - it puts money troubles, small disagreements, and so on in perspective. Life could be a lot worse.
Unfortunately, life after marriage hasn't been all fairytale like - there are those certain individuals that have tried to make it as hard as possible on us. I still have yet to figure out the reasoning behind it...but all I know is that they way they acted during our engagement, the day of our wedding, and the stuff said there after is completely unacceptable and will never be forgotten or forgiven. We have not let them get to us as they have hoped, but it has been a struggle. We have finally gotten to the point where we have cut them out of our lives almost completely.... my life's struggles have given me the strength to just walk away and not look back. It is probably easy because they are not my family...I know it bothers Lance a great deal more then it does me. I don't miss them at all but I know that Lance still does. It hurts him that people so close to him would act so horribly to him and the woman he loves. Anyhow, I know that life is too short to constantly deal with drama and as long as they are thriving on hurting others and gossiping constantly...we are staying away! That's what just has to happen. I have so much on plate right now...I just can't handle much else.
The positive that has come out of their negativity is it has really made me appreciate my family. Their unconditional and never ending love and support has really shone through to both Lance and I...it has shown us that we would rather use someone like them for role models of our future family. It's sad that life has turned out this way regarding us and their's relationship...however, we are thinking of us first and they were damaging our relationship instead of encouraging and helping us grow. People like that do not need to be involved in us. As sad as it is, this is just how it has to be!
"Pain nourishes courage...you can't be brave if you have only had wonderful things happen to you."
I feel that life is a lesson. God has each step paved and planned for you and he hopes that you learn the lesson he is trying to teach with each movement. It is hard to see the positive in each negative and I continue to struggle with that on a daily basis...however it is becoming easier. Our family has really pulled together with the recent battles with cancer...we can not actually travel the journey for them, but we can be there every step of the way for them to lean on us or to be picked up when they feel they can not fight any longer. We have always been close as family but it is on a whole new level post-diagnosis. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. That's the way I see life now.
Working in the oncology field and dealing with oncology in my home life has really put things in perspective. I see patients face huge issues on a daily basis and they still come in and greet me with a smile - it puts money troubles, small disagreements, and so on in perspective. Life could be a lot worse.
Unfortunately, life after marriage hasn't been all fairytale like - there are those certain individuals that have tried to make it as hard as possible on us. I still have yet to figure out the reasoning behind it...but all I know is that they way they acted during our engagement, the day of our wedding, and the stuff said there after is completely unacceptable and will never be forgotten or forgiven. We have not let them get to us as they have hoped, but it has been a struggle. We have finally gotten to the point where we have cut them out of our lives almost completely.... my life's struggles have given me the strength to just walk away and not look back. It is probably easy because they are not my family...I know it bothers Lance a great deal more then it does me. I don't miss them at all but I know that Lance still does. It hurts him that people so close to him would act so horribly to him and the woman he loves. Anyhow, I know that life is too short to constantly deal with drama and as long as they are thriving on hurting others and gossiping constantly...we are staying away! That's what just has to happen. I have so much on plate right now...I just can't handle much else.
The positive that has come out of their negativity is it has really made me appreciate my family. Their unconditional and never ending love and support has really shone through to both Lance and I...it has shown us that we would rather use someone like them for role models of our future family. It's sad that life has turned out this way regarding us and their's relationship...however, we are thinking of us first and they were damaging our relationship instead of encouraging and helping us grow. People like that do not need to be involved in us. As sad as it is, this is just how it has to be!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
I'm Back! :)
Hey all! I thought I would start a new blog on everything wild and crazy going on in my life! My life is exactly that...a wild and crazy ride...but I love almost all of it. ALMOST! :)
I was married April 24, 2010 at the church I was born and raised in. It was like a dream come true. I could not have felt any more like a princess than I did on that day... everything went exactly as I would have hoped for it too...with just a few exceptions. One, I would have done anything to have my grandpa Tino there with me but he was extremely dehydrated from his chemotherapy and had to go to the emergency room. There were definitely lots of tears shed over him missing it, but he's always in my heart and I know he wanted to be there as badly as I wanted him to be there. He was taking care of himself and that is the most important part. I was blessed enough to have a few pictures taken with him - he had came to the church in his tuxedo but wasn't able to stay but I got to see him looking all handsome and he got to give me a big hug and a kiss before the ceremony. The only other thing that I would change would be for my foot not to have been in a "wooden shoe" (haha) I broke it two weeks before my wedding...on my bachelorette party night. Yeah, it was my fault...I am a huge klutz so I should have just expected something like that to have happened to me. In all actuality though, my injured foot did not hinder anything at all. We "bedazzled" it and my dress was so long no one even knew. I was able to dance and have the time of my life at the reception, so it just makes for a funny story now.
Life after marriage has been pretty similar to life before marriage. The only difference is I have lots more diamonds on my finger now :) - was that a girl comment or what? ha! We are still living in the rental owned by my parents but will be buying a house within the next year! We are finally going to be financially stable! I graduated from Washburn University Radiation Therapy program in August 2009 and was working PRN at two of the local cancer centers. I felt as though we would never have any steady income until a month a go when I was finally offered a steady job at the Lawrence Cancer Center! Ummm....heck yeah!!! I am definitely finally reaping the benefits of my six years of college...and so Lance and I will finally be able to not live paycheck to paycheck! Life is finally starting to settle into place!
I chose a career working with oncology patients after my mom's initial diagnosis and bout with breast cancer. January 2008 she started chemotherapy and radiation for stage one infilitrating ductal carcinoma. I remember not being able to look at my mom after she lost her hair - I could no longer deny the fact that my mom was sick and I didnt' want to face it. August 2008 she successfully had beat the cancer! I started the Radiation Therapy program September 2009 - I had found my calling. I loved waking up and going to clinicals everyday...I was saving lives and each patient was so thankful! I took my Radiation Therapy boards the following year - August 6, 2009. August 8, 2009 she was diagnosed with stage four metastatic breast cancer (it had spread to the bone.) July 2009 my grandpa was diagnosed with stage four metastatic collecting duct carcinoma (he had kidney cancer that had spread throughout his body.) Let me just say that this has been the hardest year of my life. My mom now receives hormone therapy once a month and received another round of radiation therapy and they have stabalized her cancer where it has not spread anywhere else since. She is such a strong lady and despite everything she has been through she still prays and thanks the lord every night for the life that she has been given! I only hope to be as strong as she is one day and to have as much faith as she does despite all the pain and turmoil thrown her way.
My grandpa received radiation therapy on his pelvis, femurs, and shoulder. He also started aggressive chemotherapy and unfortunately was unable to finish it. His cancer is even more aggressive and his body was unable to thrive while on checmo - he has lost approximately 40 pounds and is now bed ridden. It has been one of the hardest things of my life to watch the cancer try and take my grandpa from me...he's such a strong man he continues to fight. I see him on almost a daily basis and there are some days I forget he is even sick... besides for the hospital bed that is now set up in his living room. He sits up and talks and jokes and laughs just like the old days. My grandpa and I have always shared a very special bond and the thought of him being so sick...well....it's just something I don't think about. We enjoy every day we have with him and I am so thankful he is the man that he is. He has not let this cancer diagnosis get him down... I am sure he has his moments where he wonders "why me?" but I have not seen them. He was once described as "close to an angel as humanly possible..." and I couldn't have put it better myself. I love you Grandpa! :)
I was married April 24, 2010 at the church I was born and raised in. It was like a dream come true. I could not have felt any more like a princess than I did on that day... everything went exactly as I would have hoped for it too...with just a few exceptions. One, I would have done anything to have my grandpa Tino there with me but he was extremely dehydrated from his chemotherapy and had to go to the emergency room. There were definitely lots of tears shed over him missing it, but he's always in my heart and I know he wanted to be there as badly as I wanted him to be there. He was taking care of himself and that is the most important part. I was blessed enough to have a few pictures taken with him - he had came to the church in his tuxedo but wasn't able to stay but I got to see him looking all handsome and he got to give me a big hug and a kiss before the ceremony. The only other thing that I would change would be for my foot not to have been in a "wooden shoe" (haha) I broke it two weeks before my wedding...on my bachelorette party night. Yeah, it was my fault...I am a huge klutz so I should have just expected something like that to have happened to me. In all actuality though, my injured foot did not hinder anything at all. We "bedazzled" it and my dress was so long no one even knew. I was able to dance and have the time of my life at the reception, so it just makes for a funny story now.
Life after marriage has been pretty similar to life before marriage. The only difference is I have lots more diamonds on my finger now :) - was that a girl comment or what? ha! We are still living in the rental owned by my parents but will be buying a house within the next year! We are finally going to be financially stable! I graduated from Washburn University Radiation Therapy program in August 2009 and was working PRN at two of the local cancer centers. I felt as though we would never have any steady income until a month a go when I was finally offered a steady job at the Lawrence Cancer Center! Ummm....heck yeah!!! I am definitely finally reaping the benefits of my six years of college...and so Lance and I will finally be able to not live paycheck to paycheck! Life is finally starting to settle into place!
I chose a career working with oncology patients after my mom's initial diagnosis and bout with breast cancer. January 2008 she started chemotherapy and radiation for stage one infilitrating ductal carcinoma. I remember not being able to look at my mom after she lost her hair - I could no longer deny the fact that my mom was sick and I didnt' want to face it. August 2008 she successfully had beat the cancer! I started the Radiation Therapy program September 2009 - I had found my calling. I loved waking up and going to clinicals everyday...I was saving lives and each patient was so thankful! I took my Radiation Therapy boards the following year - August 6, 2009. August 8, 2009 she was diagnosed with stage four metastatic breast cancer (it had spread to the bone.) July 2009 my grandpa was diagnosed with stage four metastatic collecting duct carcinoma (he had kidney cancer that had spread throughout his body.) Let me just say that this has been the hardest year of my life. My mom now receives hormone therapy once a month and received another round of radiation therapy and they have stabalized her cancer where it has not spread anywhere else since. She is such a strong lady and despite everything she has been through she still prays and thanks the lord every night for the life that she has been given! I only hope to be as strong as she is one day and to have as much faith as she does despite all the pain and turmoil thrown her way.
My grandpa received radiation therapy on his pelvis, femurs, and shoulder. He also started aggressive chemotherapy and unfortunately was unable to finish it. His cancer is even more aggressive and his body was unable to thrive while on checmo - he has lost approximately 40 pounds and is now bed ridden. It has been one of the hardest things of my life to watch the cancer try and take my grandpa from me...he's such a strong man he continues to fight. I see him on almost a daily basis and there are some days I forget he is even sick... besides for the hospital bed that is now set up in his living room. He sits up and talks and jokes and laughs just like the old days. My grandpa and I have always shared a very special bond and the thought of him being so sick...well....it's just something I don't think about. We enjoy every day we have with him and I am so thankful he is the man that he is. He has not let this cancer diagnosis get him down... I am sure he has his moments where he wonders "why me?" but I have not seen them. He was once described as "close to an angel as humanly possible..." and I couldn't have put it better myself. I love you Grandpa! :)
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