Hello all! It's been a while since I posted... it's kind of been an emotional ride.
It has been about two and a half months since my Grandpa passed away --- I still find myself picking up the phone to call him or driving past his street and thinking "Oh I should stop and say hi." It's so weird how the reality of the loss still hasn't fully settled in. I remain in counseling... I go once a week and I'm trying to work through the depth of the loss of him. He was truly one of a kind and I know that I will never fully recover from it. I will miss him every day of my life and it makes me gravely aware of that with each passing day. I know that everyone eventually has to pass, but I just was not ready to give up my Grandpa yet. I still miss him like crazy.
My mom had her PET scan yesterday...she got bad news. The lesion on her pelvis has doubled in size and the nurse insinuated that it had spread somewhere else but they will not give her the details until she goes and meets with the doctor on Monday - on Valentines Day. Coincidentally, her first chemo treatment for her breast cancer was on Valentine's Day in 2008. God, why does this keep happening to our family!? Why can't life just stablazie? Why can't she just catch a break? She is still dealing with the loss of her father and now she has the fears of her own life and future to deal with as well. Life just has not been fair to that poor lady and it breaks my heart. She assumes the worst...of course... she is terrified it has spread to her brain because she sees flashes of lights. Coming from an oncology standpoint, that's terrifiying... but I am remaining positive until she hears one way or another on Monday morning. I am still in the process of deciding if I will go with her to her appointment or go on to work... it's kind of the same situation as when my Grandpa passed away....I do not know if I want to be there for that news. I am the type of person that can not hide my emotions... if she gets bad news, it will be written all over my face what I'm feeling and thinking and that is not what my mom needs to see or hear after that.
On a different note, things with Lance are AMAZING! We have never been happier then what we are now...we have came a long way in the past few months. During the time my Grandpa was declining, the stress and sadness took a toll on our marriage and I honestly did not think that we would have came out on top. But we did. And in fact, we came out better then ever. I was talking to him last night about our future. We are in the process of house hunting and if in fact, last night we made the decision to start trying for a baby. My hopes are having a child before my mom gets too sick. The thought scares the crap out me :) but I could not be any more excited. I have never felt more emotionally or physically connected to Lance as I did last night; we are not telling anyone that we are trying to conceive because I don't want any stress or additional pressures of people asking how it's going or anything. It's a special secret that we are keeping until it happens. Whether it happens now or in a year...it will be the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. And six months a go, I would have thought this would never happen for us. But it is.
Please pray for my family. Please pray for remission for my mother, please pray for peace for my family, please pray that the loss of my Grandpa will eventually become easier, and our hearts will become to heal.
