36 Weeks!

Ok little man...you have kind of made things awfully difficult the last few weeks! I'll get to that in a minute...

A few days before Christmas.. David found out he got into KU Med! I could not be any happier or any more proud of him! That boy has worked harder then anyone that I know...he graduated with an amazing GPA while working three jobs, two weekly volunteer projects, and did weekly research with one of his previous professors. He is going to make the best doctor! Way to go buddy!!! :)

Christmas came and was absolutely amazing except for the fact I was in so much pain I woke up crying. I had gotten NO sleep Christmas Eve because of pelvic, leg, ankle, and foot pains and Christmas day wasn't any better. I really enjoyed everything else about Christmas though...it was me and your daddy's last kid-free Christmas and he made sure to make it special! He bought me a new iphone and then surprised me with two George Strait tickets - I could not believe it!! I had told Lance he was the one singer I would LOVE to see but i never thought he would get me those tickets!!! It's the end of February so it'll be the first time we leave you alone probably but I think we will enjoy a few hours as husband and wife rather than parents! Lance got permission from my parents first to make sure we would have a babysitter and they said they'd be more then fine with watching the little fella! Everything else about Christmas was great too...I got a lot of random stuff since I didn't want clothes due to being soooo big right now but hopefully not soon! I wouldn't know what size to tell people! I always love family time...of course I missed my Grandpa - it always seems like something is missing but compared to last Christmas, this one was 100% better!

We had our second child birthing class Wednesday - it was Lance's idea to go to the classes because he wanted to be as educated as possible about what was going to happen and what he could do to make it easier. It has been really good us going...last week we watched "videos...." ummm that definitely caused some anxiety but I'm trying not to think about how you're getting out of there! Haha. Lance has read the pregnancy books and has just been absolutely positively amazing. I can not even rave about that man enough...he is seriously the most perfect husband I could ever ask for. Everyone in my family has told me repeatedly how lucky I am to have such a wonderful support system in him...I thank God everyday we made it through our tough times we had last year because he is everything I want in a man now plus so much more.

Onto you...my crazy little man...lately my swelling and edema have gotten crazy. Christmas weekend I couldn't even pull my Ugg's on or even really my tennis shoes for that matter. The swelling around my ankles was making walking feel almost unbearable...which makes for a super awful day at work! I asked the nurse at my job to take my blood pressure and it was 157/98 which is definitely way too high! I called my doctor and he told me to come in my next available day which was the following afternoon. Lance and I went in after work and I had a trace of protein in my urine and my blood pressure was still just as high...he thinks it is the early stages of preeclampsia. They sent me to labor & delivery to have some tests done to check labs and put you on a fetal monitor to make sure everything was fine...everything was. Sooo it's just the early stages but that means no more work for me. :( I am now on "modified bed rest" which means I have to just take it super easy and I can't really be on my feet for too long because of the swelling and the blood pressure. Soooo little man...you have definitely changed my plans - I was supposed to work up until the day I had you. Most people would love the chance to be off work but I am just worried about my time off and getting paid - I do look forward to finally getting the chance to rest and take a break though. Physically, my body felt like it couldn't take too much more do now I just get to rest and focus on me and you! It's frustrating because I want to enjoy these last few weeks of feeling you kick and move in my belly...but I'm so uncomfortable I'm also ready to not be pregnant and just see you and have you! I am just kind of torn on the situation! Either way...we go back to the doctor on Tuesday and we will talk to him then and see what he thinks about everything. Who knows, we might be meeting you a lot sooner then we had planned!

Tonight is New Years Eve! I am so ready for 2012.... 2011 was a year full of up and down's! It was the first year without my Grandpa which meant a whole bunch of first's...every holiday, every special occasion, they were all the first time without my grandpa. My mom's cancer came back and spread to multiple bones causing her to go through chemo again and lose her hair again...I just hope and pray that 2012 is a great year for her! She needs a break...I hope her hormone therapy is successful! Grandma Jo passed away... Snoball passed away. :( Amongst all the sadness though...Lance and I had an amazing year! In March, we bought our beautiful home, April we celebrated our one year wedding anniversary, May we found out we were pregnant! In September we found out it was going to be a little boy...and here we are! Just days or weeks away from actually having our son! 2012 will begin with the expansion of our family! :)

I'll end with a picture of the big ol' belly and also our nursery!!! Lance worked so hard on it! :) There is definitely more to do but for the most part we are ready for him!!!

34 Weeks!

We had another doctor's appointment today and everything is still great! My blood pressure is perfect, urine levels are perfect, my weight gain is good (doctor's opinion...not mine. I think I have gained way too much.) We heard your little heartbeat today and it sounds so healthy and you are growing how you are supposed to...I knew that though. I feel how big you are abs how much your little crazy butt moves all over the place! You are head down which is how you are supposed to be...I just hope you stay that way! :)

We had my family baby shower this past Sunday and had such a wonderful time! We all had the best time and played some fun games, had some yummy cake, and opened some super great gifts! There's still plenty that we need for the little guy but we are doing our best to not get stressed out. There is so much left to do! We bought the bedding finally to complete the nursery but the floors are just completely covered in his presents from the past two baby showers. I try and organize little bits at a time but work has been kicking my butt so I do not have much energy left to do much of anything. Lance has been working so hard though...it will get done though. I know I just need to relax! :)

We went and looked at an SUV tonight...it's crazy how our lives are changing. Especially your daddy's...he is in the process of changing jobs so he could financially support our family more and provide the healthcare that's necessary for you. He is also trading in his truck to drive my car so he can put your car seat in the back and I will drive a safer SUV. He is doing anything and everything he can for us as a family and I just wish I could do something to show him how much I appreciate him and everything he does. It is funny to think about who your daddy was when we started dating...he was just coming out of a very unhealthy relationship and was living the bachelor life. His house was bare, he partied and drank as though he didn't have a care in the world, he rode his motorcycle... Three years later he is the perfect man. Not that he was bad before but it is just crazy to see the change in him. He's grown up and has stepped into that husband and daddy role without a blink of an eye. He's amazing and Lathan, I hope you are just like him someday! :)

My dear sweet baby....

Oh little man...how much we love you already. We love feeling you kick, we love thinking about how close we are to meeting you and finally seeing who you are going to look most like. I think we are both pretty certain you will have dark hair and dark eyes...there is no questioning that! We go and sit in your room and think about how our lives will change in less than seven weeks. It has just been the two of us and now you will be our world! I love Lance so much so I could not be any happier that you will be half of each of us! Your daddy will be the best daddy to you...I just know it. His eyes light up every time he talks about you...he has taken amazing care of me so I know he will of you.

Although we love you and are so thankful for you...my dear sweet son...you are physically a handful these days! :) There's some days the thought of walking down the hall takes a pep talk....I'm not exactly sure why my body hurts to this degree, but I know once we see your handsome little face it will all be worth it! I had to buy a maternity belt because you are killing my back and pelvis...but you are worth every ache and pain. You really are an active little guy! You kick, roll, punch, and really jive in there! I'm hoping you figure out night time though once you get here because boy oh boy, you sure like to rock and roll when your mommy really wants to sleep :)

You really mess with your daddy a lot..sometimes you will completely stop moving when he puts his hand on my belly to feel you. I just crack up! You're already giving him a hard time! :) what a good little boy! LOL.

Showers, Scans, and Sadness....

We had our first baby shower yesterday...my in laws planned it and it actually went really well. I will be honest...I was a nervous wreck given the history with them but everyone was on their best behavior and they threw a beautiful shower. It made me very happy for Lance because they haven't treated him the best and for once...he was in the spot light and our baby was the focus of everyone. I am very happy for him. We got A LOT of stuff!!! I just spent about an hour cutting all the tags off all his new clothes...he is going to have so much by the time he gets here! Who knows where we will put it all... :) Next weekend we have one with my family so I'm super excited for that one! :)

Thursday was the one year of my Grandpa's passing....we survived it. It definitely made me sad and feel all that sadness from the worst day of my life but I know he's always watching me. That doesn't make the pain any easier but I know he's with me all the time.

My mom's scans came back stable! They haven't gotten any better but they haven't gotten any worst...so we will definitely take it! :) I am so thankful God heard all our prayers and gave her some peace of mind for everything coming up...I just wanted her to enjoy my baby showers, David's graduation, the holidays, David's graduation party, and the birth of her first grandson! There's so much excitement over the next few months...I'm so thankful for the scan results! :)

32 Weeks!

Holy moly...32 freaking weeks! I can't even believe it. (I know I say that every single post but I literally get so freaked out every time I think about how close we are to meeting this little baby boy!) I must admit...I have felt pretty darn miserable lately as he gets bigger and bigger inside this growing belly! I think he has definitely dropped because there is sooooo much pressure on my pelvis. My legs and feet are swollen every night after work and my toes look so fat :) That is alright, nothing a little elevation won't fix...I just prop those babies up for a little bit and the swelling disappears and suddenly I have ankles again! Just like magic! My fingers...not so much. I had to finally stop wearing my rings this past weekend...I look like I am having a child out of wedlock now. I miss my gorgeous rings...

Thanksgiving was last week...Lance and I were originally going to host it at our house but I decided it might be too much work so Rebecca and Ezra did instead. They did a great job and how it all decorated in fall and harvest decorations... My entire family was there and we had more food then we could have even thought about eating! It was a wonderful day. That sorrow was there though as well...it was the first thanksgiving without Grandpa. Last year I spent it at the Hospice House with him and I am so thankful I had that special Thanksgiving time with him...I had no idea that a week later he would be gone. We wanted to have new traditions this year so we didn't do it at my grandparents house and I'd say it was a success.

Black Friday. What a crazy tradition! This year my mom and I decided we were not in the shape to participate... Lance really didn't want me going because he was afraid the crowds would bump into me and I'd get hurt or the baby would. He also preached my mom didn't need to be out there... So I took his advice and we didn't go. Instead, we sent my dad and him to get a few items and they were quite shocked at how crazy it was! LOL! He came home appalled at two women getting in a fight over a printer...how hilarious. Welcome to the world of Black Friday my darling! My mom was kind of bummed that she couldn't go this year so my Aunt Theresa came and picked us up and we decided to just drive around and make fun of the the people in those ridiculous lines...and you know what? We had just as much fun as if we would have actually shopped! It was a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.

This Thursday is the one year of my grandpa's death and my heart gets heavier with each minute as it gets closer. It just stirs up all that heartbreak and pain we all felt this time last year. I still think about him daily. Friday, my mom has her scans to check the progress of the chemotherapy. I'm terrified for her but I'm just keeping the faith that she gets good news and can get some peace of mind.

This Saturday and next Sunday I have baby showers! Super excited! (This Saturday is with Lance's family so I'm super nervous about what drama is going to occur but I know that Lance will not let them ruin this special day for us. I have faith in my husband.) Next Sunday is the one my mom and sister are throwing and then the first weekend of January my best friend Kate is having a dinner for my closest friends as a third shower! Mix those in with the holidays and holiday parties and holy cow...it's going to be a busy couple months!!!!

I'll end by posting a few more of our maternity pictures! :)

Ten Weeks Left!!!

I can not believe that I will be thirty weeks on Friday! The time has seriously flown by...I am so extremely thankful for this wonderful baby that Lance and I have been lucky enough to be blessed with...it just still is do surreal there's a little man growing inside me! But then I look in the mirror and see this HUGE belly and I quickly remember he's really in there! Also, every time he kicks and punches me is obviously a reminder as well...and boy oh boy does he do it a lot! I absolutely love it though...we were so afraid we weren't going to be able to feel him because of my placenta, but we get to feel him all the time. It's amazing! Lance is always rubbing my belly and talking to him...he's already such a wonderful daddy. I couldn't be any more thankful to have him be mine for the rest of my life...he's been great to me...I know, I know...gag me! :)

The last few weeks haven't been as easy as the first 28...as baby boy continues to grow, my pelvis and back are really feeling it. In fact, I have a heating pad on my back right now... I know it just means he is thriving in there like he's supposed to but I'm more then ready to walk without the waddle or just feel comfortable in general! I'm sure I'll miss those amazing kicks and the feeling of carrying a child once he's out though...I guess I just love complaining. But I'm for sure feeling pregnant...Braxton Hicks and all!!

I took my glucose test and thankfully passed so no gestational diabetes! I've gained 15 pounds so far and the doctor said everything still looks great! Lance and I had maternity photos last weekend and hopefully we get them soon...I am SO excited to see them all!! We have three baby showers planned... Pretty much with the holidays and everything coming up, we are going to be super busy and baby Lathan will be here before we know it. (We are pretty sure that's what his name will be... We love it!)

My brother has an interview the end of November at KU-Med! I sure hope he gets accepted into medical school...the boy is so smart and would make such a good doctor...he just needs to be acknowledged for all his hard work and given the chance to prove it!

Lance has an interview at GE (General Electric) today over his lunch hour...the pay and benefits are a lot better...the only thing is it would start out as second shift. :( I would miss him like crazy every night but the reality is it would be the smartest thing for us because we wouldn't need to put little man in daycare. He is just going to feel the guy out about insurance and stuff and go from there...if there's a probationary period for me on his insurance then he can't take it. We are too close to the end for that! It's about time something good happens for Lance too!

My mom has one more week of chemo left and then her scans are the first of December. She has not had the easiest time with this round of chemo...she has been pretty nauseated and tired. I pray constantly for good results...we all need her to be ok!

The holidays are getting closer and it's really making me think of last year... Spending each night at Hospice. What a sad, sad time. This year Lance is doing anything he can to make sure the holidays are good...but I still can't help and feel down. I still miss you like crazy Grandpa. Love you so much!

Just a few days away from the third!!!

This picture was taken a few weeks a go but holy cow!  He's really showing himself these days... I remember thinking "I can't wait until I'm REALLY showing..." and that time has definitely arrived!  I'll be standing up and Lance will come in and sort of giggle to himself about how much my belly has popped out over the last few weeks... I love my baby bump.  Yeah, it makes life pretty difficult these days but I know he's inside me growing and my belly has to grow with him.  Lance just has to listen to my moans and groans when I try to bend over, tie my shoes, cross my legs, etc. etc.  Haha. This is my last week of my second trimester and things have remained pretty great.... the bigger little man has gotten the more he's hurting my pelvis and my sciatic nerve but all those pains are definitely worth it.  It's mainly my left leg that has the most troubles... sometimes it feels like it is just a complete dead leg and I have to lift it up to cross it and move it, other days it's completely fine.... after a long day at work though nothing sounds better then stretching out on the couch with my feet up.  I have thirteen weeks left and I know as he gets bigger the pains will get worse and worse... I can only imagine how much fun these next three months will be...but come January 2012 we will have this beautiful baby that I was blessed enough to carry around in my body for nine months and all the aches and pains will be forgotten.

Lance and I can feel him moving ALL THE TIME!  He's an active little guy...and I'm thinking he must be pretty long because I will feel him at every corner of my belly at once...so he must be kicking and punching like crazy in there.  Sometimes I'll be laying on the couch and Lance can see him kick through my shirt...I absolutely love it!  I'll never forget the look on Lance's face the first time he felt him kick on his own...it was two weeks a go and we were laying in bed and I told him to just try and see...and little man gave his daddy a HUGE kick and Lance has never looked happier.  Now we feel him all the time... I just absolutely can't wait to meet him!!!  Kendalyn and Kassidy make me lay down every time I see them to see if they can feel him move and every single time he freezes up and won't do anything... they have tried singing to him, yelling at him (haha) and just talking.  They're so stinkin' cute...I hope they get to feel him move soon.  Kassidy always yells at him to COME OUT BABY!!  She doesn't quite understand... They have named his TreeBranch Spider.  HAHA!  It's amazing what little kids come up with. 


I got my flu shot this past week to protect me and him and my next appointment is this Wedensday...That will be the infamous glucose test...yuck.  I know it's necessary but I'm not looking forward to drinking that gross drink to see how my body metabolizes sugar... I'm pretty sure I don't have diabetes due to my average weight gain and all my UA's have never had any glucose in my urine.  At my last appointment I had gained nine pounds but I'll be interested in seeing this week.  I know it's the third trimester where most of the weight gain happens and my appetite has definitely spiked... I know why too!  He's so strong in there now he's requiring a lot more food so he can kick and punch me! haha.  Right now he's jumpin' and jiving in there like crazy... :) 


A different note..Lance had waited 20 weeks to tell his family about the baby because he figured there would be some sort of drama once we told them...the week after we told them his brother and his new wife...(of one week....) decided they wanted to start trying too and they announced to his parents last week they were five weeks along.  I'm not going to get into anything negative on my happy blog but I will just say that's awfully convenient timing if you ask me.  Oh well though, I have my handsome husband and this beautiful baby boy who I just know will be perfect...my life is complete! :)  No need for immaturity or competition like the rest of them.  I wish them the happiest pregnancy just like it has been for Lance and I.


My mom has been having a pretty difficult time with her chemotherapy...she hasn't been able to eat anything and she has a lot of cramps in her stomach and chest.  She just keeps going though..week after week she goes for her infusions knowing what that will mean for her...this is her week off from chemo so hopefully she gets a break and can enjoy Halloween and everything.  Love you mom!!  I am so glad that Lance and I have this baby boy on his way to bring some happiness into the family because it's about time something good happens and I know my parents couldn't be anymore excited...gives them something happy to look forward to! :)

Baby Boy!!!!

We had a second ultrasound on Lance's birthday and boy oh boy has he grown!!!  Here's a picture of his profile and I must say...he might just look like his daddy.

Well our appointment on Wednesday went great... at our ultrasound, Lance and I both got to feel him kick for the first time.  My belly has always had all sorts of rumbles in it so it's been hard distinguishing what is normal and what is the little man...so the sonographer had us push in on our belly to cramp his room in there and he got irritated and kicked.  Seeing him kick helped me know that's exactly what I was feeling!  It was so neat!  I couldn't stop laughing because of how much of a little attitude he has already!  Haha!  We got some great pictures and it was neat to compare them to last month's ultrasound pictures...he's gotten SO much bigger!!!  His little head has doubled in size and he looks more like a little boy rather than the alien he looked like before....lol.

As of right now we are leaning towards the name Lathan Rush... we wanted something original but nothing too bizarre and out there that people couldn't pronounce it or they would think "What in the world? Where'd that crazy name come from?"  We both really love Lathan so I guess we will see! :) I am at 24 weeks and have gained nine pounds... I am still not excited about gaining any weight at all but I know that's just silly and selfish because baby boy needs to grow! And man...it sure feels like he's growing a TON! He is only a pound and a half but my belly has just exploded lately...Lance loves to rub it and he says he loves it when my baby bump is showing...he always wants me to wear shirts that show it off. He's such a proud daddy already...it's adorable. I gave him a hard time this morning because he grabbed my belly and gave it a kiss goodbye before he gave me one... He instantly felt bad and grabbed me and gave me a big ol' hug and kiss. Lol!  I still feel pretty good...the body aches and stuff have started but I expected that. As I get bigger...I know those will only get worse. Great.  I've been really busy at work lately so it's been kind of exhausting come night time but Lance is still doing an amazing job helping me out around the house and taking care of the dogs, cooking dinner, etc. etc. I'm finding it harder and harder to bend over or even to see my toes...haha.  Although the baby bump is getting in the way of everyday life...I'm so blessed to have this baby boy growing inside of me and that little bump is just proof of the life Lance and I have started together. Lance worked his butt off to get little man's room ready... before it was a little girl's room and it was a light purple with wall paper and kitty cat border (absolutely hideous...) so Lance scraped and scraped to get all the wall paper and glue off and painted it a sort of sky blue.  I'm so in love with the color.  We bought the crib and dresser and he put that together a few weeks a go and is getting the bed ready today...the crib mattress, mattress pad, and the sheets.  We haven't bought the bedding set because we are waiting to see what all we get from our baby showers...but the theme I think we are going with is "Little Aviator."  Since the room is painted a sky blue, the air planes and clouds would look so cute in there.  We still have to purchase the glider but we are pretty darn proud of all the progress in there.  We have gotten SO many clothes for him already and they are all washed and either hung up or put away in his dresser.  He's going to be SO cute...I just know it!  :) My mom bought him a newborn KU track suit...which of course is Lance's favorite outfit out of all of them.  There's just so many cute outfits to choose from I might just have to changes him ten times a day so he can get wear out of all them...and we haven't even had a single shower yet!  We are going to be SO set! I'm so thankful that Lance and I have such a wonderful marriage now...we went through hell and back but have came out completely and totally in love with one another.  He's such an amazing man...absolutely amazing.

My mom continues with her chemotherapy...she lost her hair last week and Kendalyn is having the hardest time with it.  She is always so nervous what the kids at her school will say if they see her "Ma" doesn't have any hair...my mom pretends like it doesn't hurt her feelings but I know it does.  I don't know how my mom maintains her strength...I find myself waking up in the middle of the night (to go to the restroom...imagine that...) but I have a mini-panic attack thinking about all the what if's.  What if the chemo doesn't work, what if her scans come back bad, what if she decides to just stop her treatment all together... it's terrifying.  My son needs her as a grandma and it scares me so much to think about how unpredicatble cancer truly is... at any point the cancer can just stop responding to treatment.  I see it in patients all the time... we have so many repeat patients that just keep coming back for treatment and I can't imagine how they feel.  I know how my heart ached when my mom's cancer metastatisized from her breast to her bones...I can only imagine getting news that it had went to the brain or major organ.  It's heart breaking...each and everytime I hear of a patient returning....it just puts so much fear in me that at any time my mom might be in their shoes. I get angry and bitter a lot of the time for her... she's lived such a good life and it's just not fair that she has to deal with this.  She deserves so much out of life and although I know she doesn't allow the cancer to affect her life too dramatically, I know she can't help but wish life were different.  I love you so much mom and you are such an amazingly strong woman... :)

Halloween is in a few weeks...it's crazy to think that at this point last year was when my grandpa broke his femur and everything in my life went absolutely upside down.  I thought that Lance and I were falling apart, my grandpa's health declined in just two short months, and I entered such a deep and dark depression I can't believe I am where I am today.  I still miss my grandpa every single day...don't get me wrong...but my emotional self is so much better then it was at this time last year.  I now have such a wonderful marriage, I can think of my grandpa and smile rather than cry my eyes out, and in three and half months I will be a mom!  Life has truly came full circle and I couldn't be happier about it. 

Blue or Pink!?!?

Well....

We are going to have a son!!!! : )

We had our ultrasound and found out the great news...it was absolutely CRAZY seeing that little guy kicking and moving around in there.  Lance's mouth was wide open in Awe the entire time...it was absolutely adorable.  When the sonographer pointed out it was a boy Lance gave me the biggest high five - haha!  He was pretty darn excited.  We went to lunch with his parents and finally told them that I was pregnant and it went a lot better than I expected - they were really happy and excited to become grandparents.  We had my family over that evening to announce our good news...we had bought a cake and then when they cut into it there was either blue frosting or pink frosting to tell them what we were expecting....of course they saw blue!  My mom cried, my dad gave us huge hugs, everyone was so excited.  Kendalyn and Kassidy even said they were excited...and they promised not to beat him up!! (Kendalyn had originally said if it were a boy she'd have to beat him up because she hated boys.  LOL!)

Since we have found out, we have bought a few outfits for the little man...and we bought a shade of blue to paint the nursery.  In fact, that's what the daddy-to-be is up to today... he's getting the room all ready.  Next step, picking out a crib set, and registering for an upcoming shower.  I am 21 weeks and still feeling absolutely amazing!  I feel like I'm getting bigger by the minute but I have only gained six pounds so far so it's really all baby weight...it just feels HUGE!  My placenta is in the front so I still am unable to feel the little guy rockin' and rollin' in there but I hope soon I get to feel him.  Since my placenta is all right in the front, it makes my stomach feel so hard!  (Abs of steel! LOL!) That kind of is a pain in the butt when I'm sitting or trying to lean over because it feels like a big rock is preventing my movement.  The baby is supposedly about eight inches long and just over a pound in weight! He's getting bigger and bigger each day!  I have not had any cravings really...I'm sure Lance is happy about that.  He hasn't been sent out at midnight for pickles or anything, haha!  It's so crazy to think back to February when Lance and I decided we wanted to conceive a child together...I remember how nervous we were the first time....it was so special though...I never felt more connected to Lance then when we were trying to start a life together.  I remember that day in May when I took the pregnancy test and realized all of our "fun" was successful...Lance and I were going to have a baby!  It has been such a crazy but fun ride so far...and we haven't even reached the good stuff yet...HIM!  :)

 On a different note....My mom's cancer spread to a couple more areas in her bones so this past Monday she started chemotherapy again....I prayed so hard that it would go into remission but at least it's remaining in the bones rather than spread to vital organs.  The oncologist thinks that probably this coming week or the next she will lose her hair again... I wish more then anything that she wouldn't have to worry about things like that.  I would do anything for my mom to be cancer-free and be able to just live her life without having to worry about what her next scan will show, worrying about what her future holds.  I just wish she would have a break of some sort....the poor woman sure as hell deserves it!  She's so strong though and she's so brave... I would be so bitter and so angry if I were in her shoes, if she feels that way - she sure never shows it.  I will continue to pray that she will at some point get to lead a normal life without all the pain and fears she currently has to endure. I just love her so much...it breaks my heart so much.  It's always hard to see a loved one sick, but it's been especially hard after losing my grandpa Tino less than a year a go.  I know she fears that she will go down the same path he did...but each person's journey is different.  Her cancer is a lot different and not nearly as aggressive as the collecting duct carcinoma my grandpa had - but no one understands what she's going through because she is the only one actually walking that path.... not us.

I really missed my Grandpa the past few weeks...I would have loved to have shared the news with him about me having a boy.  Life just doesn't feel the same without him in it...I don't care how long it has been...I miss him and will miss him everyday for the rest of my life.  You can't have such a huge and active role in your life for so many years and not be severely affected by it when he is no longer there - I love you Grandpa.

SEVENTEEN WEEKS, TWO DAYS!!!!!!

"Many of the bones in your baby's body are starting to harden.  Among these first bones to develop is the inner ear which is part of the reason why your baby might be able to hear sounds such as your heart beating or your tummy growling.  He or she is now the size of a sweet potato...weighing about 6.7 ounces!"

"As you settle into your second trimester, you'll likely gain your appetite back.  Eating healthy and getting enough protein is importantas your body needs approximately 300 extra calories to help your baby develop.  You are noticing significan growth in belly size, and you're probably beginning to experience round ligament pain - it'll only get worse as your uterus continues to increase in size and push your intestines upward.  You're also starting to shift your weight to help balance your growing belly!"

Hello second trimester!  (Not like the first was anything to complain about though....) I still sometimes worry that the doctor will give me some bad news because this pregnancy has just been too darn easy!  I still have yet to have any sort of morning sickness what so ever...  I am so thankful.  My body is usually pretty tired after a long day of work but Lance is great about helping me out so much around the house so I can just rest.  He's starting making more and more dinners so I can just let my feet and body rest.  He's wonderful during this time.  Just today he woke up early and surprised me with 18 multi-colored roses and breakfast in bed!  Yesterday my handsome hubby gave me an awesome foot massage... but don't let him fool you...he's just as spoiled!  I surprised him with Boston Red Sox tickets for last night....GREAT seats so we went to that with another couple from my job.  Last weekend we went with Rebecca and Ezra and the girls for a weekend getaway to Omaha...it was a much needed vacation.  I cracked and bought some maternity pants and shorts....it was definitely that time.  My baby bump is making it quite difficult to feel comfortable in my normal ones.  Even my scrubs aren't fitting as nicely as they used to....but that's to be expected. 

We find out what we are having on September 2nd...oh my gosh we are sooooo sooooo excited!  We have a few names picked out but nothing really set in stone yet....I really like Aceton for a boy  (Aceton Rush...) that's Lance's choice for a middle name.  And Linlee for a little girl...Lin for Linda (my mom's name) and Lee is my dad's middle name and also my brother's....my middle name is Leigh as well.  SOOOO we really like those names but like I said, nothing for sure yet.  We are just waiting until we know what it is before we go too crazy on picking out names, buying clothes, etc. etc.  Lance has been working on getting the nursery ready....it had some AWFUL kitty-cat wallpaper up and so he's been busting his butt trying to remove it so we can get it primed and then painted as soon as we know what it is.  Then all the furniture and everything will come and make it just absolutely perfect for him or her!

So that's pretty much what's been going on!  Just preparation for the little one to get here!  One step at a time...

First trimester is on the way out....

Only five more days left in my first trimester....I can not believe how fast the first three months have flown by.  I feel so blessed to have had such a wonderful first trimester... I have heard so many horror stories about women that need to be on Zofran their entire pregnancy and I have yet to hardly even feel sick at all!  My chest has definitely gotten bigger (Lance makes sure to point that out to me...haha) and I can barely keep my eyes open come 10:00 at night... I hope my fatigue lightens up a little bit but hey, if that's the only symptom I have...I really can't complain!  My belly is definitely sticking out...it's starting to look a little bit less like "I eat thirty donuts a day" and more like "I have a baby in me."  You really can't tell too much with my clothes on but when I lift my shirt up there's certainly a pooch that has never been there before.  Lance loves to rub my belly, he kisses it all the time and talks about "his baby" in there.  It really is a special feeling knowing we have started a life together...it's something that no one can take away from us. 

Things with his famiily haven't gotten any better at all...we still haven't told them our good news.  It's really sad that he wants to keep something that exciting from them because he knows that it will be nothing but trouble once they find out.  I can't imagine having a family like that...I don't want to sound judgemental or anything because I know that no one's family is perfect...but I can't imagine hurting my son repeatedly.  Hurting him to the point that he no longer has anything to do with any of them... I mean he never goes around them, he skips out on as many holidays as possible.  It breaks my heart for him but we have given them a lot of chances to do the right thing and they never do.  I get worried about what's going to happen when we tell them about the baby, I'm sure there will be a lot of drama but for now we are just enjoying it together and not letting anyone take this happiness from us! :)

My mom's radiation has really helped her sacral pain.  She has four more treatments left but she's said it's helped drastically!  That makes me so happy! She continues with her hormone therapy and will resume her oral chemo-therapy once her radiation is complete. 

My grandpa's 78th birthday would have been yesterday... it was hard.  I still miss the man like crazy and not a day goes by he doesn't pop into my head a hundred times.  I see older men that look like him and my heart skips a beat for a minute...then I remember that it's not him coming to see me and then it's that feeling of loss all over again.  I had a dream about him that I was visiting him and my Grandma and when it was over they jumped in the car and drove off...I remember asking him if he was ok to drive (he had stopped driving as he got sicker...he feared for other people's safety on the road.) He told me that he had gotten better and he was able to drive again.  He looked so happy and so healthy...he wasn't using a cane or a walker..he was just my Grandpa Tino.  Man, what a wonderful man.  :)

Eleven Weeks!

"This marks a turning point for your baby - the task of developing new bodily structures is nearing an end as mnost of your baby's systems are fully formed!  Now comes the mainetnance phase...during which your fetus' systems continue to mature for the next 28 weeks and the organs get to work.  Your baby weighs half an ounce now and is the size of a PLUM! Your baby has more then doubled in size in the last three weeks!"

"As you near the end of your first trimester...your uterus, now about the size of a large grapefuit begins to migrate from the bottom of your pelvis to a front-and-center position in your abdomen.  This should bring an end to the urge to urinate! Also some of those other pesky pregnancy symptoms should begin to diminish as well."

Our appointment was Tuesday and we heard the baby's heartbeat!! It was AMAZING!!!  Lance and my mom were there and it was the cutest and the most exciting thing ever... it was 150 bpm.  I was so scared that we wouldn't be able to hear it or that we would get bad news of some sort but it was an amazing appointment.  Lance was so so so so excited...he couldn't stop smiling!  I definitely am showing more and more...but I'm feeling better and better.  I have had an almost perfect first trimester...sure, there's been times when my belly has been slightly upset and I've been really really tired but I have had NO morning sickness.  I haven't had to hug the toilet bowl once! :)  I haven't had too many cravings yet... I've craved a lot of Mexican food so far but I did that before the pregnancy so I can't really call it a "craving." haha.  Only two more weeks of the first trimester.... I can't believe how fast it has flown by!  It seems just like yesterday I took the test and Lance told me he felt like "puking."  haha... now he's rubbing my belly all the time, reading "What to Expect when you're Expecting!"  (I've caught him reading it and quoting it several times...haha) so he's very  excited to be a dad.

Things are just perfect right now.  I can't wait until my belly is HUGE! :)

Ten Weeks Two Days!

"This week your baby is officially developed enough to be called a fetus!  The good news is the most critical part of your baby's organ system development is over - your baby will grow very rapidly and will double in size by next week!  Right now it's .25 ounce and is the size of a lime! On your baby's head, the ears are forming and the reproductive organs are becoming more distinguished!"

"Inside your body, your uterus is starting to get to be too big to fit into your pelvic area and will begin to rise up into your abdomen over the next few weeks! Your abdomen is starting to protrude a bit now and your jeans are getting harder and harder to button without a struggle!"

I DEFINITELY have a baby bump... it looks more like I have spent a few too many days at all you can eat buffet's but I know that's not the case.  I find myself rubbing my belly more and more and I absolutely love when Lance does that.  We will be laying in bed and he will just rest his hand on my belly and it seriously makes me smile.  Our first appointment is Tuesday and I'm hoping and praying that everything is ok...my biggest fear is that we will go and find out that the baby stopped growing or it won't have a heartbeat.  I still very much feel pregnant so I'm hoping we get good news... I can barely keep my eyes open somedays from pregnancy fatigue and my belly will get upset or cramp every so often to remind me that I'm carrying Baby Collins in there! :) It's the most amazing feeling ever knowing that Lance and I have started a life together..I love him so much and I am so happy that I am carrying his baby inside of me....a baby formed out of love.  He is SO protective right now...he freaks out anytime I have a cramp.  He's been amazing to me through all of this...he takes such good care of me.  Nights when I get off work too late he will cook dinner and just have me rest or some days he wakes up early and makes me breakfast to surprise me so I have something good to eat before I go to work.  He gives me plenty of foot massages and back rubs because he knows after an 11 hour work day I am just down-right EXHAUSTED!  I am so happy to be with him!  :)

Tomorrow we are having the 4th of July celebration at our house... we went and bought some fun decorations for it and the family is coming over to cook out and shoot off fireworks and swim!  It will just be a great afternoon... the last two 4th's have been really sad so I'm hoping this year is better.  Two years a go my mom was admitted to the hospital the 2nd of July for pulmonary embolism's and that was the start of her cancer recurrence...when she was there she told them she had a pain in her groin and they did a scan to see if she had a clot in her femoral artery - as it turns out it was actually a bone lesion.  We spent most of the 4th in the hospital room with her.  Last year my Grandpa was admitted for what they thought was the same thing.... that was the start of his downfall as well.  They weren't blood clots in his lungs, his lungs were actually filling up with fluid from cancer cells trying to invade his lungs.  He had several chest tubes, procedures done to drain and seal his lungs, he had several hospital stays until his final one the end of October which turned into the Hospice House.  I remember watching the fireworks last year and bawling my eyes out the entire time... I knew my Grandpa wasn't doing well.  I didn't know that was going to be his last one though... :(  Man, I still miss him like crazy.

My mom starts radiation on her Sacrum on Friday... I'm hoping and praying for some pain relief for her with minimal side effects.  She deserves to get a break! 

Well on that note... I'll blog after our appointment on Tuesday!  Fingers crossed for a good appointment.  Bets on whether or not Lance will cry when we hear the heartbeat!? :)

Seven Weeks

33 weeks left!!!

"The baby is the size of a blueberry - .25 inch long and .04 an ounce.  By now, the baby's head is proportionally larger then the rest of the body and the ears and eye lids are developing. The upclose view of my baby is now looking more like a baby and less like a reptilian one.  My baby's webbed fingers and toes are differentiating now from the arm and leg buds which now have distinguished wrists and elbows that can even flex!  His or her heart beat is beating at an incredible rate of 150 beats per minute!  He or she is growing so fast!"

"My uterus, usually the size of a fist, has grown to the size of an grapefruit which is why it's common to feel abdominal cramping or even a tightening or contraction-like pain.  Whether it's unlikely I look pregnant from the outside, I most certainly fel pregnant on the inside.  Clothes might begin to feel a little tight around the tummy and it might be time to purchase a bigger bra!"

Boy!  Doesn't that sound about exact!?! I feel SO bloated all the time and all I want to wear is loose clothing...and it's only my eighth week of pregnancy.  Whew...it's going to be a LONG nine months!  Thankfully I still feel pretty darn good though...haven't had any morning sickness at all (yet.)  My belly has felt slightly upset a few times but nothing severe.  My main pregnancy symptoms so far has been very sore breasts and EXTREMELY tired!  It's so hard for me to keep my eyes open after a long day at work... but so far, I'm enjoying my pregnancy.  It still hasn't really sank in yet... our first OB appointment is July 5th and that's when we will hopefully get news of a healthy heartbeat!

On a HORRIBLE note...we lost Snoball on Tuesday, June 7th.  I've cried all week.  Our family got him when I was in the sixth grade and he's been one of the best (ornery) dogs we could have asked for...and he's been the best friend to Rocky possible.  My parents are taking it especially hard because he was the third member of their home...after fifteen years with him it's hard to not have him greet us at the door or to bark for our foods or wrestle with Rocky.  It's so hard.  We buried him last night in the back yard and we all cried and cried and cried.  You don't realize how important or how large a part of the family he was until he passed away... the house is so quiet now.  His presence is everywhere though...I still see him running laps in the back yard or sleeping under the bushes during the summer, I see him chasing David and me up the slide on the swing set in the back yard while we played "great white shark."  I see him sleeping on the couch and getting mad if anyone else was sitting there, I hear his long claws on the kitchen floor, I see Rocky jumping on his back and removing his collar so he could carry it around in his mouth, I see him standing in front of us at dinner time and barking and barking until we give him a bite of what was on our plates, I see him tearing my mom's rose bush and carrying it to her like he just did her a favor... I see me being SO excited to see him after he was gone for the weekend on a hunting trip and just running up and kissing him before I greeted my dad. I remember having to drive around so many times looking for him because he took an afternoon to himself and was running the neighborhood trying to find a girlfriend..He was just such a funny funny dog that I'm going to miss so incredibly much.  R.I.P. Snoballs....I love you and I know Grandpa Tino will take care of you. 

Four Weeks, One Day!

I told him last night! :)  My prediction was right...at first he looked like he was going to puke!  HAHA!  I had taken a picture of the test and had him look at it...he stuttered around and I could tell he was freaking out.  After it had registered with him, he got really excited.  This is what we have been trying to achieve since February and finally, almost June, we succeeded!  We had a long talk about how we were both scared but how we both really wanted this and how we are going to focus on us.  We need to have a secure and strong relationship so we can be good rolemodels for our future children... I know that won't be a problem.  This is just another committment that Lance and I chose to make to one another and so now we will be linked for the rest of our lives.

I still haven't told anyone else yet.  It's quite amusing though - I went to visit my sister and she randomly told me that she thinks we should get pregnant together.  She started going on and on about when Lance and I were going to start trying...I wanted so badly to tell her that I had two positive pregnancy tests in the last two days...but I'm nervous to!  I don't know why...but I just am!  I told Lance that I do not want his family to know until we are certain that everything will remain fine with it...they are the last people I want to know my business...especially if something goes wrong.  I hate thinking that way, but it's always a possibility.  Every one of my friends that have been pregnant had several miscarriages.  It's a very scary thought.

Like I said in the last post, I had a feeling that I was pregnant before I took the test.  My stomach has been doing some crazy stuff this past week...it's been constantly upset...I always feel like I'm on the verge of puking even though I haven't.  (Ugh, I've heard the horror stories and I'm not looking forward to the upcoming months.)  My chest has really been hurting, especially first thing in the morning.  SO...here marks the beginning of many more bad days and months to come.  But I know it will all be worth it! :)

Drum Roll Please....

SO....I took a test this morning and it came out POSITIVE!!!  Lance and I are going to have a baby!!! :)

There was a part of me that sort of knew before I took the test...I had drank a few glasses of wine last weekend and I was SO sick afterwards...I know that is what happens very early into your pregnancy.  So I was kind of thinking it was a possibility but I didn't want to just assume anything.  My cycle should have came yesterday and it didn't, so I just thought "what the heck...let's just take a test and see."  AND....here we are!!! :)  Lance has no idea yet....No one does!! I had to come to work and didn't see him so I am trying to think of the right time and place to tell him.  I hope he is excited.  I'm not sure exactly how I feel...I sort of mixed emotions.  This is what I have been wanting for a while...to be a mom....but I know that my entire life is going to change forever!  It will no longer be what I want & when I want it...my child will have to come first.  There's also all of those fears....what if something happens?  Do I want to have to go through a miscarriage...physically and emotionally I know how hard they can be on women.  I am sure these are all natural fears that all women think as soon as they find out they are pregnant... I just feel so great knowing that we have started a life together.  I just pray that everything is fine with he or she and we have a healthy baby come January 30th, 2012.  (My estimated due date according to the computer...)  I am only about four weeks pregnant right now so I will not tell too many people...SO much can happen in this first trimester that I don't want to have to explain to everyone if something happens. 

I hope my family is happy and supportive....Lance and I had a rough first year but I know that we are great together!  We have our flaws and we have our fair share of arguments and disagreements but we have just grown so much as a couple and I know that we will be great parents.  I hope everyone is happy for us...including his family, (even though I know they won't be....but wishful thinking.)

I can't wait to tell him!  I'm sure at first he will look like he's going to puke...HAHA but I know once the initial reaction passes he will be very excited to be a future father.  Wow.  CRAZY!!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Another month has came and gone....I will not be celebrating Mother's Day this year.  I am genuinely ok with it though...I know that we are capable of having a baby together but it's just obvioulsy not the right time.  I look so forward to the day I have Lance's child growing inside of me...it's just a waiting game though until it happens.  You can't rush God's plan... but when it happens...I will be ecstatic!  I did spend today with the wonderful mother's in my life...my beautiful mother, my sister, my grandma, and my aunt's.  They all are great role models to me as both people and as mother's.  :)


We celebrated our one year anniversary together on the 24th of April - I can't believe a year has already came and went.  It's been a wild and crazy year...but I know all the hardships just made us stronger as a couple.  Not a doubt in my mind that one day Lance and I will celebrate our fifty year wedding anniversary.  He bought me a BEAUTIFUL anniversary band and he tied it on Macoy's collar to give it to me....(when Lance proposed, he tied it around Rocky's collar so it was adorable he incorporated Macoy this time.) I have three bands already on my actual wedding ring, so I will wear it on my right hand!  I'm in love with it!  It was hard giving up the topaz ring I was originally wearing on there...but Lance said it was time for an upgrade.  He bought me the topaz ring when we first started dating as a Christmas present and I swore I'd never stop wearing it...but Lance forced me to! We then went to the Melting Pot at the Plaza (AMAZING!!!)  It's a fondue restaurant and we had such a great time... it was four courses and although it was rather pricey...we plan on making it a tradition.  We were both pretty miserable when we left there!


Definitely haven't lost ten pounds yet (I know, I know!)  But I think I'm down five?  That's something.  We bought bicycles yesterday and went for a nice long bike ride... my chubby butt and legs weren't happy afterwards...and I am certain my butt cheeks are just one great big bruise from the rather tiny bike seat... HAHA! BUT....it felt great to be doing something active with Lance - especially something active outside!  I'm going to get my butt back in shape if it's the last thing I do.... whether it's pre or post baby (whichever comes first...) I will not be this curvy anymore. 


My mom has been in a great deal of pain lately and I hate seeing her that way.  It breaks my heart.  I don't understand why she has to hurt...I would do anything to give her just a week of pain-free days.... I'd do anything if she could get on the ground with her grandchildren, go for a walk with my dad, I'd do anything if she could get out of a chair without grimmacing.  She is such a strong woman though...she never complains.  She lives each life as the gift from God that it is... sure, she tells me that some mornings she wakes up crying because of everything....her and my Grandpa not being here....but she truly is an amazing person.  We are treating her to a getaway to the KC Marriott and two VIP tickets to the Princess Diana exhibit... for Mother's Day.  I know she will just LOVE it!  I worry about the walking time but hopefully she will suck up her pride and let my dad push her in a wheel chair so she can enjoy herself and not hurt.  She deserves a break!


So there's a quick recap on life... life is still amazing, still not preggo, my mom's still being so strong and such a fighter, still in love with our home, and even more so in love with Lance.  Can't complain!

In Love With Life

Have I mentioned how happy I am with my life these days?! :) 

Lance and I moved into our GORGEOUS new home two weekends a go and I am completely and totally in love with it.  We had SO much help on moving day that we were all unloaded and unpacked within two days - it was ridiculous how much we all got done.   I am so thankful for everything and everyone that helped us...it was a great weekend!  I still walk into my house and just smile (cheesy, I know) but it's true.....I remember right after graduation I felt like nothing was ever going to work out for us.  There were no Radiation Therapy positions and financially Lance and I were STRUGGLING!  We were just renting from my parents, and although that house was really cute, it was just too small for us.  It was a small two bedroom house with a tiny kitchen - so tiny that most of our wedding gifts remained in boxes in the spare bedroom because we had no cabinet space for any of them.  I knew was a risk it was choosing the career of a Radiation Therapist - I was warned before I made my decision the slim chance of finding a job around the Topeka area, but I knew in my heart that was the career for me, I knew it was worth the risk.  THANK THE LORD I TOOK THE CHANCE!!  It took a year but finally my PRN status became full time and four months later Lance and I were house hunting.  We now own a house that's probably two to three times the size of our rental...it is absolutely night and day in comparison!  My six years of college have FINALLY paid off for Lance and I!  I smile at the thought of how different life is for us...not only financially but also in our marriage.  It's night and day as well - we have came so far as a couple and have overcame so much together.  We now have a wonderful marriage and a happy beautiful little home to show for all of our hard work! :)

No baby so far... the monthly little "devil" (that Lance calls it) appeared a few days before moving day.  It was quite disappointing but I just know that it wasn't the right time for us... this month has been so busy that we really didn't "try" so I assume this month won't be the right time for us either.  I know it will happen when it's supposed to but I can't help but wish that time were now...I am ready to be a mom.  I do have my fears about what is going to happen with Lance's family when that time comes though - but that's something that doesn't need to be addressed until the time comes.

Ugh...the weather is getting warmer which means that the clothes are getting smaller.  I am not very excited because I have done NOTHING to keep my body in shape this winter - I NEED to start a workout regimen and stick to it because I am not very pleased with myself these days.  I know that Lance loves me and my body...he tells me all the time...but that doesn't make me feel any better about myself.  I miss the days I would look in the mirror and like what I would see...now there's quite a few extra curves in the mirror when I look.  Hopefully this time next month I will be down...ummm...let's say ten pounds?  I'm going to try and stick to it!  By May 10th, I want to be ten pounds lighter.  There it is in writing! :)

I celebrated my 26th birthday this past weekend...it was quite an eventful weekend.  I spent Friday night with my friends - we went to Pigskin's to celebrate my friend Danielle and I's birthday! It was a lot of fun to be out with all of my closest friends...it's not too often we all go out together anymore, life has just changed for us all with our work schedules and most of us are married. Saturday we went to Legend's and did some shopping - Rebecca and Ezra were there with the girls too so it was a fun afternoon.  I got some cute shirts and a new pair of tennis shoes for work!  I just LOVE to shop so it was a perfect day, plus the weather was gorgeous! Saturday night went out with the sibling's, and Sunday I just had a "ME" day...I woke up and drank coffee on the patio - it was perfect.  Then I went and had a pedicure with my mom, we grabbed On The Border, and I came home and Lance grilled steaks out...we had twice baked potatoes, and yummy salad.  It was just a wonderful birthday.  It was my first one without my Grandpa and so I thought of him throughout the day but I know he was celebrating with me on Sunday enjoying the patio time as well. 

I am in such a good place right now....I hope the future has more positive things for Lance and I....and I hope my friends and family remains healthy and happy as well. 

seven days

Seven days! 

Seven days until we start to move to our new house... I don't think my mind has stopped racing since we signed the contract to purchase it.  It is on overload thinking of what colors we want to paint the walls, where we should put the furniture, what new stuff I want to buy.  Lance pretty much just goes with the flow - he just smiles and nods as the money goes in and out of the bank! :)  We purchased an all new bedroom set in December, went to Nebraska Furniture Mart two weekends a go and got all new coffee tables, end tables, and a new television stand.  Last week we bought a BEAUTIFUL dining room set from RoomMakers - it's the Hamlyn which is the same as our bedroom set; dark cherry wood that looks very elegant.  Besides for those big purchases I have gone CRAZY buying decorative items - picture frames, floral arrangements, candles, kitchen stuff, etc. etc....but there' still SO much I want to purchase for it.  I just know our house is going to perfect!  It's such a great time for Lance and I. 

Next week I am going to take a pregnancy test to see if this is Lance and I's lucky month.  *fingers crossed*  We have yet to tell anyone that we have been trying for a baby - it's kind of funny because both my sister and Sheena have said repeatedly the last few months how bad they have baby fever and how the bigger Kassidy gets, the more and more our family misses having a baby to love and cuddle up with....I just smile on the inside.  The thought of having a baby still scares me but I am more then ready for it...I know that Lance would make an amazing father...I picture him rubbing and talking to my growing belly all the time.  Plus...I think we'd have a super beautiful baby!  :)  BUT....if it doesn't happen this month...that's ok.  We just get to try again next month!

March 16th marked the beginning of the longest year of my life...it's crazy to look back on it now and just think about everything.  March 16th was the day that my Grandpa got his diagnosis of collecting duct carcinoma and was given less than a year.  It's so sad to look back and realize that we were so oblivious before that date...almost like we were invincible and that death was not going to happen to any of us.  I never would have imagined on that date that I would be sitting here a year later without him.  I'm fighting back tears even now as I write this because it's still just so hard to accept.  March 16th also was the day that Grandma Verna passed away so it was a double whammy this time last year - the last year has definitely been full of heartbreak.  I can't believe how fast the Lord took my Papa....it was such a whirlwind full of doctor's appointments, hospital stays, weight loss, and his final trip to the ER followed by the Hospice House - I guess a lot CAN happen in a year and he's the proof of it.  My heart hurts so much but I try and put myself in perspective by remembering how much harder of a road it has been for my Grandma Patty; she lost both her mother AND her husband in a year's time.  Life is just unfair sometimes and I try not to question "Why me?: and "Why us?" too much because I know that God isn't a mean or spiteful God - he isn't trying to punish our family... he's always been there to pick us back up and to give us faith so I refuse to be angry at him for the cards my family has been dealt; he's provided the strength to survive it all and for that I am thankful.

Although the last year has been very hard, I am able to look back and realize that it was also an amazing year - I married my soulmate and we started our journey to the rest of our lives together. The blessing among the pain.  The first year of marriage has certainly been tough and our relationship has definitely been tested...there were periods of time when I think we both questioned the marriage and whether or not we were going to make it. I am able to look back now and realize that it was all the stress of my Grandpa's illness and all of the unneccessary drama his family has started that was causing our rift but we have survived it all and we have came out stronger then we could have imagined.  Our relationship is absolutely amazing now...there's still days I look at him and just smile because of how in love with him I am.  He's my best friend and everything I want out of a husband. I look forward to the rest of my life with him and I can't believe that we are trying to expand our family together. I know we will be amazing...if we can survive last year...we can survive ANYTHING!

Holy Changes!

Life is great!

I am going to try and not go all over the place with this post...one thing at a time, Kristina.

Grandpa:
I have continued to go to counseling and work through all of that grief that was taking a HUGE toll on my marriage and my sanity.  My counseler is great and I am coming a little bit more to peace with the loss of him.  I still miss him like crazy but I know that he is happy and I feel his presence more and more.  Love you papa!

Mom's scan:
My mom's cancer did in fact return like we had feared...BUT giving what we were prepared for...it wasn't all that bad of news.  It is active again and moved to a spot in her sacrum, however, it was just a very small lesion still in her bones.  We would rather it spread to another bone then leave the bones entirely and move to a vital organ; they changed her treatment again and we hope and pray that this works for her.  No more bone lesions!  No more lesions AT ALL!

NEW HOUSE:
Lance and I purchased our first home together... we move in March 26th and we couldn't be any more excited about it.  It is a brick ranch out in Shawnee Heights neighborhood which is exactly where we wanted it to be.  It's just a few blocks away from my parents house so it's a great neighborhood.  It has four bedrooms, two bathrooms, full basement, great back yard with an above ground swimming pool.  The kitchen is TO DIE FOR!  I can not wait to take a million pictures of everything.  OUR FIRST HOME! YAY!!!

Baby?:
Lance and I continue to try and start a family...last month was not a success for us but that does not necessarily mean anything.  It's a great time for us to conceive right now, so *fingers crossed.* Lance is hoping and praying for a son...I would love to give him one.

That was a very short post to sum up a great deal of things going on and changing.  Pretty much I could not be any happier with my life right now...I am madly in love with my husband...the happiest I've ever been with him.  I am so excited to move into our first home and POSSIBLY decorate a nursery soon! Ahhh! :)  Just keep your fingers crossed for us!

Prayers for All

Hello all!  It's been a while since I posted... it's kind of been an emotional ride.

It has been about two and a half months since my Grandpa passed away --- I still find myself picking up the phone to call him or driving past his street and thinking "Oh I should stop and say hi."  It's so weird how the reality of the loss still hasn't fully settled in.  I remain in counseling... I go once a week and I'm trying to work through the depth of the loss of him.  He was truly one of a kind and I know that I will never fully recover from it.  I will miss him every day of my life and it makes me gravely aware of that with each passing day.  I know that everyone eventually has to pass, but I just was not ready to give up my Grandpa yet.  I still miss him like crazy.

My mom had her PET scan yesterday...she got bad news.  The lesion on her pelvis has doubled in size and the nurse insinuated that it had spread somewhere else but they will not give her the details until she goes and meets with the doctor on Monday - on Valentines Day. Coincidentally, her first chemo treatment for her breast cancer was on Valentine's Day in 2008.  God, why does this keep happening to our family!? Why can't life just stablazie?  Why can't she just catch a break?  She is still dealing with the loss of her father and now she has the fears of her own life and future to deal with as well.  Life just has not been fair to that poor lady and it breaks my heart.  She assumes the worst...of course... she is terrified it has spread to her brain because she sees flashes of lights.  Coming from an oncology standpoint, that's terrifiying... but I am remaining positive until she hears one way or another on Monday morning.  I am still in the process of deciding if I will go with her to her appointment or go on to work... it's kind of the same situation as when my Grandpa passed away....I do not know if I want to be there for that news.  I am the type of person that can not hide my emotions... if she gets bad news, it will be written all over my face what I'm feeling and thinking and that is not what my mom needs to see or hear after that. 

On a different note, things with Lance are AMAZING!  We have never been happier then what we are now...we have came a long way in the past few months.  During the time my Grandpa was declining, the stress and sadness took a toll on our marriage and I honestly did not think that we would have came out on top.  But we did.  And in fact, we came out better then ever.  I was talking to him last night about our future.  We are in the process of house hunting and if in fact, last night we made the decision to start trying for a baby.  My hopes are having a child before my mom gets too sick.  The thought scares the crap out me :) but I could not be any more excited. I have never felt more emotionally or physically connected to Lance as I did last night; we are not telling anyone that we are trying to conceive because I don't want any stress or additional pressures of people asking how it's going or anything.  It's a special secret that we are keeping until it happens.  Whether it happens now or in a year...it will be the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.  And six months a go, I would have thought this would never happen for us.  But it is. 

Please pray for my family.  Please pray for remission for my mother, please pray for peace for my family, please pray that the loss of my Grandpa will eventually become easier, and our hearts will become to heal.