Oh my little boy...you have made mama smile so many times these last few weeks, you've made me smile when I didn't feel like I could, but one hug and a special kiss from you and my heart just melts, thank you Lathan, thank you for being you...without you even knowing. You are keeping mama out of a depression. You are keeping me above the water!

You are still such a little hoot! You have recently starting "singing" and it is the cutest thing EVER!!!! You still dance your little heart out to any and every song you can find... We can thank Ma for your love of music! You also still chase the doggies, wrestle with the girls, cuddle up with mama, play basketball with daddy, and you still love your books! You crack me up when you're with Kendalyn and Kassidy... it gets pretty loud and pretty hectic because you all have so much fun together...but that is what life is supposed to be about! You also are showing more interest in baby Kambree...she was crying the other day so you ran over and gave her a kiss on the head. You ran back 3 or 4 other times to give her more too...you are such a little sweetheart! You have discovered the show Chuggington - a Disney show about trains...it's a very cute show and you get really excited whenever it comes on!

We celebrated Poppy's 54th birthday this past weekend... We wanted to give him a very special day since it was his first one without Ma. We went mushroom hunting (couldn't find any) and then we had a cook out at Auntie's the next day. While Uncle Ezra cooked, you played outside with the girls. They drove you around in their power wheels... They were so nice with you though...they would drive so slow when you were riding with them. They take such good care of you. Uncle David took you for a lap on the four wheeler (going like 2mph, of course!). You had a very fun afternoon! We then went fishing later... You were very excited to be down by the water...your daddy did a great job of chasing you around so mama could fish with poppy. (We didn't catch anything there, either.) Kassidy tried to show you a worm and you almost ripped it in two pieces...Kass just looked t it and said "ummm...I don't think it's good anymore." We didn't let you touch another one. :) the night ended with Orange Leaf. It was a nice weekend but it just wasn't the same without Ma. All of us tried really hard to be happy...but it is just too fresh still.

15 Months

Mama is having a hard time...but you are my little ray of sunshine! You make my heart smile when everything else around me is falling apart. You are so sweet, Lathan. Every time Mama starts to cry, you get this really sad face and either come give me a hug or just come rub my face.

I hope you love me like I love my mom. I have been thinking about that a lot...I wonder if you and I will have the kind of mother son relationship that my mom had with Uncle David. I hope you do... I know how much love I have in my heart for you and how I will always do any and every thing I can for you. I have also been thinking about how Ma must have felt looking at her children and her grandchildren and knowing that her time was limited with all of us; my heart just hurts at the thought of it. Please always know that you are my world Lathan... If anything were to ever happen to Mama, just know that you have made my life complete. I love your Daddy, but the love I have for you is completely different... It's a love you will understand once you have a child of your own.

In an attempt to be positive... We took you and actually had your first hair cut done! Daddy had trimmed it up before, but this time we actually had it done at a salon. You screamed bloody murder...until we gave you a chocolate chip cookie. :) Then you were fine! You look so stinking cute! You look like such a little boy though rather than my baby... :( You are going to be fifteen months tomorrow... The time is flying by.

We had your fifteen month appt and the doctor was very impressed with you! He said you are ahead of your milestones (Duh, you're a genius!!!!) You are 32 inches long (68%) and 23 lbs (30%) you are finally in a healthy weight range and he was very happy you are finally gaining weight! Yay!!!!

Saying goodbye

Lathan, this is the hardest thing I think I have ever written. We buried Ma today...she passed away April 13th surrounded by Poppy, Uncle Dave, Auntie, and your mama. This has been the hardest week of Mama's life...so incredibly hard. I do not know how mama is supposed to go on from here ... I promised her that I would be strong for you. I promised her that I would try my hardest to be the kind of mama to you that she was to me. She was my best friend. She was my world. I hope someday you feel that strongly for me.

I found some letters today...it was a complete and total accident. I was reaching for a piece of notebook paper and randomly found a notebook that Ma used for writings; no one in the family had seen her use it. The book was full of letters Ma has written to everyone...goodbye letters. She wrote them over the past year where she realized her cancer was taking over... There's a letter for you in there. I am going to put it up somewhere safe so you can read it over and over again as you get older. You can just feel the love in it. You can just feel the heart ache and the pain she must have felt as she was writing these letters to all of her loved ones. You can just feel the loss.

Lathan, you will probably not remember Ma and that kills me inside because you really loved her. I wish you would be able to remember how much you meant to her and vice-versa. You would sit on her lap and just gaze in her eyes as she would sing to you, you would run up to her chair and just babble to her, you would cuddle up and take long naps on Ma's chest, you would reach your little hand back and just rub her face. You brought her so much joy, Lathan. I can not even count the number of times she told me how happy you made her. She always said that you reminded her so much of your Uncle Dave...she always said that being around you and the girls brought her back to when Mama was little and I was playing with David and Auntie Rebecca. She prayed all day long for a miracle...she wanted to be here for her kids and her grand kids so much. It broke her heart because she knew that the cancer was trying to rob her of so much life... Of so many memories that she wanted to share with you and the girls.

I will make sure to tell you all about her and your Poppy Tino as you grow up. I will make sure you see the pictures of you and her and hopefully, you will see the love that you and your Ma shared at one point in your young little life.

Easter was this past Sunday, and I do not think that it could have been any more of a perfect weekend! Saturday night, we went to Ma and Poppy's and colored Easter eggs with the girls... I was kind of afraid that you would not really understand the concept, but you did sooooo great!!!!! It was so much fun! Of course, you cracked a few...and "stressed out" Kassidy, but it was a lot of fun! Then you had a little dance party and just played and played with Kendalyn and KassKass. I absolutely love seeing you with them...they just adore you so incredibly much and I know you feel the same. Your little face just lights up when you see them!

Easter Sunday, the Easter Bunny had hidden eggs and a Mickey Mouse Easter basket full of candy and toys in the living room. I was really surprised how much you got into it! You ran all over the place grabbing eggs and throwing them in your little wagon. It was adorable! Later, we had a really nice Lunch at Ma and Poppy's and then had an Easter egg hunt there as well. It was just our family and Great Grandma Pat came for the egg hunt. Poppy worked really hard on Lunch...he made ham, baked beans, Au'Gratin potatoes, mama and daddy made deviled eggs (we dyed them like Easter eggs!!) and I made a bunny cake, and auntie and uncle Ezra made hash brown casserole. You, of course, did not eat any of it....but mama loved it! They had your Easter basket hidden in the house and you ran around looking for it too... It was a wonderful day. The weather was about seventy degrees so all of us sat out on the deck and watched the kiddos run around looking for Easter eggs... You fell down the hill in the back yard several times and you would just jump back up and continue on the way.

As I just said....you didn't eat anything Easter Sunday. In fact, you've hardly eaten anything for the past few weeks. I am not really sure what has happened, but you have no interest in food. It is the biggest battle any time we try to feed you anything that you do not want to eat. I know that it is only a power struggle, but you just take whatever food we do manage to get into your mouth, and you pull it out of your mouth and throw it on the ground. Talk about frustrating. What is even more frustrating are your temper tantrums in general....helllllooo terrible two's!!!!! I love you so much Lathan Rush, but you have been so incredibly ornery these past few weeks. You scream all night, you roll, head butt, punch, kick, etc. mama gets NO sleep!!! I really do not want to let you "cry it out" on your crib...but I can not go much longer without any sleep. I hope you work through it soon. Besides for eating and sleeping, you are still a pretty happy baby...but boy you do throw your fair share of fits! You know what you want and you scream and scream until you get your way!

We finger painted last night... You did so cute with it for about a minute...and then you realized that You had stuff all over your hands and then you just freaked out! Sooooo, it turned into bath time!!!! You are just so funny when it comes to getting your hands dirty.

Ma. She loves you so much Lathan. You make her smile and laugh all the time. You run up to her chair and Babble to her all the time and you are always wanting to sit on her lap and dance to the music she always turns on for you. Lately, her cancer treatment has stopped working. Mama's Heart is very broken and I do not even want to think about what that means for our futures... I can not picture my life without her in it. I can not picture a time where I can not call her and tell her what you did that day or ask her a question about being a mama. I love her so much and I know that you do too. I hope that she is around longer...I hope that you can get to know her ad remember her as this amazing woman that has truly made me the mom that I am today. I also pray that you never have to feel this heartache.... It's the worst thing Lathan.