Well...it happened.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010 I lost my Grandpa.
I spent everyday with him prior to his passing...however, I was at work when it actually happened. My mom had sent me a text telling me it was getting close and I think in my heart I didn't want to be there for it. I had spent several hours with him the night before, he had told me he loved me, and I kissed him and said goodbye. (I only thought it was goodbye for the night, I had no idea it would be my final goodbye.) The drive to the Hospice House was absolutely horrible...it took me thirty minutes to get there and I have never felt so lonely in my life. Once I FINALLY got there, I sat with my family and waited for them to finish preparing "the body," as they kept saying. We got to spend several hours with him before they took him to the funeral home... It didn't even feel like he had passed away. To me, it just seemed like he was sleeping... I must have kissed his forehead and rubbed his head a million times that night. Then they came and took him away.
The next few days were tough - Rebecca and I helped with a lot of the funeral planning. It means SO much to me that they allowed me to play such a big part in it all.... we did the photo boards, I helped my grandma with the music and made the CD, I did the programs with my mom and Theresa, we picked out special Grandpa flowers.... it was one last chance I had to be there for my Grandpa Tino and to show him how much he truly means to me.
December 5th, 2010
This was the day of his viewing... it was to start at noon but I got there at 11:30 to have a few moments alone with him. I had written him a goodbye letter for his casket the night before, and I just wanted to talk to him. He looked absolutely amazing by the way... he was wearing such a handsome suit and a shirt and tie I bought for him. You would never know the hell that man had been through the months prior.
Since he had passed away I had just felt this HUGE hole inside my heart... that's not just an expression either...I seriously felt a void. My family really pulled together for each other but it just wasn't the same without my Grandpa there.... he was the rock of our family.... life is just so different and weird without him. His viewing had so many beautiful bouquets and the photo displays were beautiful. My Aunt Debbie had a military display with some pictures from the Army and his jacket....that table was perfect. It was so neat to see everyone coming to pay their respects to such a wonderful man... people from his favorite restaurant even sent a GORGEOUS flower arrangement and came by to say goodbye. People were sharing stories about him, people were crying, people were laughing, either way...you could really tell what kind of effect he had on each and every single person he came into contact with. I only hope to lead a life as fulfilling as his must have been. At 4:00 his viewing ended...and everyone got in line to see his handsome face one last time... we all took our turns saying goodbye to him before they closed his casket forever. David and I went up there together, I think it's because we feel stronger together then apart. I kissed his forehead and told him how much I was going to miss him.
December 6th, 2010
Today was his funeral. It was at West Side... the church had his photo boards displayed. I sat in between my Dad and Lance... his casket sat right next to the Church's Christmas Tree. That was just a constant reminder at how sad Christmas will be this year. His service was perfect....well, as perfect as a funeral service can be. In The Garden, Old Rugged Cross, Daddy's Hands, and Rest High on the Mountain were the songs that were played.... the last one was one I chose for him:
I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
Oh, how we cried the day you left us
And gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels’ faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing
Go rest high on that mountain
‘Cause, Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son
I thought these lyrics were very nice for him...the last year of his life was very troubled with chemo, radiation, broken bones, cat scans, procedures, hospital stays, needles, etc. etc. etc. BUT he wasn't scared to go through that hell.... he fought hard the last year and finally it was his time to just rest. They played that song right before they wheeled him out... I cried so loud I couldn't even hear the song. (Sorry Grandpa, I couldn't help but cause a scene....) haha. Prior to playing that song, they allowed anyone that wanted to to stand up and share special memories...oh man, I could have talked for hours. Howerver, I wasn't able to say a single word...but Grandpa knows how special he was to me. I couldn't cause TWO scenes that day... :) Then Stephen, Joey, Joshua, Jonny, Tyler, and Mike Grabauskas and David and Connar as the honorary pall bearers led my Grandpa out of the sanctuary. They covered his casket with the American flag and they took him to the car.... Rebecca and I rode in the family car with everyone else and we took him to his burial. It was a military funeral and it just made me so proud for him.... they did the gun salute (which we all got to pick up and keep the bullets) and played TAPS. Then they folded up the flag and gave it to my Grandma... I just know my Grandpa was beaming with pride...and he should be. He lived a great life and will be missed more then he could even know.
TODAY
It's been nine days since I've lost him...I still cry everyday and miss him just like it happened an hour a go. I have gone over to his house a few times and it's like he never left. I feel him...I feel his presence so much in that house. I was terrified to step foot in that house, I thought it would kill me, and honestly it still really hurts being there knowing he never will be again, but that's his home. I feel him in my heart. The "I LOVE PAPA" frame I made for him with our pictures in it was displayed at his funeral and is now placed back on the wall where he originally chose it to hang... his blue chair is still sitting in front of his TV... it's like he's still there. My grandma is having a pretty hard time and I'm trying to be there for her as much as possible, but it's just so hard sometimes to be as strong as she is....I miss him like crazy, I don't know how she's so strong. She's an amazing lady. She called me tonight to check up on me because she knew I was having a sad day... I need to keep reminding myself that I still have her. I put so much of my energy always into my Grandpa...even before he was sick...she deserves the same! I think I might go to his grave tomorrow morning when I wake up...the weather is supposed to get nasty, so I'd like to go see his grave before Winter hits fullforce. Hopefully in the Spring I can spend more time there...hopefully being there will give me some sort of peace.
