Saying goodbye

Lathan, this is the hardest thing I think I have ever written. We buried Ma today...she passed away April 13th surrounded by Poppy, Uncle Dave, Auntie, and your mama. This has been the hardest week of Mama's life...so incredibly hard. I do not know how mama is supposed to go on from here ... I promised her that I would be strong for you. I promised her that I would try my hardest to be the kind of mama to you that she was to me. She was my best friend. She was my world. I hope someday you feel that strongly for me.

I found some letters today...it was a complete and total accident. I was reaching for a piece of notebook paper and randomly found a notebook that Ma used for writings; no one in the family had seen her use it. The book was full of letters Ma has written to everyone...goodbye letters. She wrote them over the past year where she realized her cancer was taking over... There's a letter for you in there. I am going to put it up somewhere safe so you can read it over and over again as you get older. You can just feel the love in it. You can just feel the heart ache and the pain she must have felt as she was writing these letters to all of her loved ones. You can just feel the loss.

Lathan, you will probably not remember Ma and that kills me inside because you really loved her. I wish you would be able to remember how much you meant to her and vice-versa. You would sit on her lap and just gaze in her eyes as she would sing to you, you would run up to her chair and just babble to her, you would cuddle up and take long naps on Ma's chest, you would reach your little hand back and just rub her face. You brought her so much joy, Lathan. I can not even count the number of times she told me how happy you made her. She always said that you reminded her so much of your Uncle Dave...she always said that being around you and the girls brought her back to when Mama was little and I was playing with David and Auntie Rebecca. She prayed all day long for a miracle...she wanted to be here for her kids and her grand kids so much. It broke her heart because she knew that the cancer was trying to rob her of so much life... Of so many memories that she wanted to share with you and the girls.

I will make sure to tell you all about her and your Poppy Tino as you grow up. I will make sure you see the pictures of you and her and hopefully, you will see the love that you and your Ma shared at one point in your young little life.

Easter was this past Sunday, and I do not think that it could have been any more of a perfect weekend! Saturday night, we went to Ma and Poppy's and colored Easter eggs with the girls... I was kind of afraid that you would not really understand the concept, but you did sooooo great!!!!! It was so much fun! Of course, you cracked a few...and "stressed out" Kassidy, but it was a lot of fun! Then you had a little dance party and just played and played with Kendalyn and KassKass. I absolutely love seeing you with them...they just adore you so incredibly much and I know you feel the same. Your little face just lights up when you see them!

Easter Sunday, the Easter Bunny had hidden eggs and a Mickey Mouse Easter basket full of candy and toys in the living room. I was really surprised how much you got into it! You ran all over the place grabbing eggs and throwing them in your little wagon. It was adorable! Later, we had a really nice Lunch at Ma and Poppy's and then had an Easter egg hunt there as well. It was just our family and Great Grandma Pat came for the egg hunt. Poppy worked really hard on Lunch...he made ham, baked beans, Au'Gratin potatoes, mama and daddy made deviled eggs (we dyed them like Easter eggs!!) and I made a bunny cake, and auntie and uncle Ezra made hash brown casserole. You, of course, did not eat any of it....but mama loved it! They had your Easter basket hidden in the house and you ran around looking for it too... It was a wonderful day. The weather was about seventy degrees so all of us sat out on the deck and watched the kiddos run around looking for Easter eggs... You fell down the hill in the back yard several times and you would just jump back up and continue on the way.

As I just said....you didn't eat anything Easter Sunday. In fact, you've hardly eaten anything for the past few weeks. I am not really sure what has happened, but you have no interest in food. It is the biggest battle any time we try to feed you anything that you do not want to eat. I know that it is only a power struggle, but you just take whatever food we do manage to get into your mouth, and you pull it out of your mouth and throw it on the ground. Talk about frustrating. What is even more frustrating are your temper tantrums in general....helllllooo terrible two's!!!!! I love you so much Lathan Rush, but you have been so incredibly ornery these past few weeks. You scream all night, you roll, head butt, punch, kick, etc. mama gets NO sleep!!! I really do not want to let you "cry it out" on your crib...but I can not go much longer without any sleep. I hope you work through it soon. Besides for eating and sleeping, you are still a pretty happy baby...but boy you do throw your fair share of fits! You know what you want and you scream and scream until you get your way!

We finger painted last night... You did so cute with it for about a minute...and then you realized that You had stuff all over your hands and then you just freaked out! Sooooo, it turned into bath time!!!! You are just so funny when it comes to getting your hands dirty.

Ma. She loves you so much Lathan. You make her smile and laugh all the time. You run up to her chair and Babble to her all the time and you are always wanting to sit on her lap and dance to the music she always turns on for you. Lately, her cancer treatment has stopped working. Mama's Heart is very broken and I do not even want to think about what that means for our futures... I can not picture my life without her in it. I can not picture a time where I can not call her and tell her what you did that day or ask her a question about being a mama. I love her so much and I know that you do too. I hope that she is around longer...I hope that you can get to know her ad remember her as this amazing woman that has truly made me the mom that I am today. I also pray that you never have to feel this heartache.... It's the worst thing Lathan.

Rock Chalk!!!!

Your Jayhawks are currently in the Sweet 16 for March Madness. You watched the game with Daddy, Poppy, and your Uncle David last night...everytime they would tell at the TV you would run up to the tv with your fists in the air and scream at the TV too! We were laughing so hard! Then if they'd cheer, you would run to the TV and clap! If was the cutest thing ever! You'd say "Goooooo U!!!" (For Go KU!) And you'd throw your hands up in the air! Definitely stole the show yesterday! ;)

You still are fighting eating dinners... I just can not figure it out. Usually, if we can force you to take a few bites you'll love it...but I don't know why you fight it so much. You give your mama anxiety; I'm so afraid you aren't getting enough vitamins and nutrients and there's something we need to be doing for you to keep you healthy!

Your follow up at the ENT a few weeks a go was great news...no tubes!!!! The dr thinks maybe your Eustachian tube (your little tube in the ear) has gotten larger this decreasing your ear infections! As of right now, (knock on wood) your last ear infection was in December!!

We had a lot of left over baby food that we just did not want to waste...so we used it as finger paint this past weekend! Your daddy and I was very impressed with you...you actually got your hands dirty!!! We really didn't think you would, but you had a blast! You were covered!!!! :)

Your new baby cousin was born March 14th! Kambree Marie! She is so incredibly tiny but so beautiful just like her sisters! Your Auntie had her Thursday evening after a very rough day...I was so thankful to see her and to know that she was a healthy little girl. There are so many things that can go wrong with and so many risks and threats to a baby's health...it was a relief to know she was ok. She ended up being pretty jaundiced but she did not need to be admitted or anything, so all is well! It broke my heart to see how big you looked next to her though...It doesn't seem like that long a go you were mama's seven pound baby cuddling with me on the couch. Time sure is flying by. I sometimes think about having another baby someday...but for now, you are all mommy and daddy needs! You definitely keep us busy enough! It took a few visits with Kambree for you to really show interest in her...in fact it was all if a sudden one day...you let out a little holler and ran as fast as you could towards her...arms stretched out and all! It was almost like it was that very second that you realized...There's a baby!!!! :)

You are really starting to interact while playing...it's adorable. You play "Where's Lathan?" And hide your face and then jump out at us. You play with your cars and make car sounds while driving, you love to play ball with daddy and you just roll it back and forth... But your most favorite thing to do is chase after the poor dogs. You absolutely LOVE your doggies... Love, love, love them!!!!!

Ma spent a week and a half in the hospital but is back home now.... Those were some very tough days for mommy. My heart wanted to be with you and her both and that was impossible; you are a toddler so sitting still at the hospital was most certainly not on your to do list :) You'd push buttons, grab tubes, knock on doors, and just touch everything you could reach. Your daddy had to spend some extra quality time with you so mama could be with Ma...because on those days, she needed me the most. Thankfully, she is now back home to continue her fight!

So last time you heard from me...you were a very very sick little boy! Those couple days were very scary but I'm so happy we have our ornery little boy back! It definitely was not a quick recovery though; we had to go back to the pediatrician and basically force water and Gatorade down you for days. Also, for a while afterwards, you refused to eat anything - it was an ordeal to get you to take even one bite.  Sometimes, we would literally have to hold your head to still long enough to give you a bite while you screamed and cried; typically, after the first few bites you realized how much you love eating and then you would eat the rest of the plate without a problem.  It seems to be getting better, but there still are days where you have no interest in food at all. 

The week that you were so sick, we had a huge blizzard!  Mama took off work after attempting to drive there and realizing there was no stinking way I was going to make it to Lawrence.  You were at Ma and Poppy's so I went over there and we were snowed in the rest of the day.  I tried to get you to touch the snow but you wouldn't - you jerked your hand away everytime it got close.  You're a funny little guy - it took you a while to walk in the grass so we knew you wouldn't be out there playing in the snow!
You are chattering more and more. You can point out a few animals and actually say their names - cat, dog, and duck. You say those words super clear. You also like to chant "Go, Go, Go!" while you run around the house. It's adorable. You blow lots of kisses and love waving all the time. You love to rough-house and wrestle with daddy...you tickle us, hide from us, run from us...you're a little blast!

Mama still nurses you in the morning and in the evening and apparently you have figured out that we always use a pillow to lay you down on for that or just to have a bottle in general.  Now you have gotten to the point where you just bring me the pillow when you're tired at bedtime and want some milk.  We crack up every single time!  I think it's about time to stop nursing now that you can literally carry the pillow over! :)

Daddy gave you your first haircut today...he's trimmed around the ears a few times but this time he did the back and front too. You look SO cute!!!! I can not believe how good of a job Lance did... Pretty proud of him!!

Ma is currently at the hospital...she has had a very very very rough few weeks. Her cancer has gotten so aggressive and it literally kills me inside. You are such a little ray of sunshine though and you can ease all my heart ache with a simple kiss. I'm hoping and praying that she gets to go home soon.

Hospital Visit

Well it's two in the morning...you and daddy are asleep on the hospital bed next to Mama. You're curled up in your baby orange hospital gown with an oximeter on your toe and an IV in your arm. :(

You started vomiting Saturday night and it really took it out of you. Ever since, you have not been able to keep anything in your stomach but tablespoons of water, you haven't moved off our laps, and have barely made any sounds but a cry. We knew something was terribly wrong with our happy little ball of energy! Daddy stayed home with you today and he really tried to get you to drink lots water...you could tolerate that but a sip of pedialyte...puke! A bite of a saltine cracker...puke! When mama got home, we decided we needed to bring you into the hospital and get you evaluated for dehydration. Good thing we did! You were extremely dehydrated!!

Since we checked in, you've had an IV out in, labs drawn, an x-ray of your belly done to check for an obstruction, a catheter put in to collect urine for a urinalysis (After two bags of IV fluid, you still hadn't peed yet...so they had to do it the hard way.) The third bag of fluids is currently running right now; the doctor said she realized you were worse off then she thought given the fact you didn't pee after the first two...so she ordered a third. You have had such a traumatic few days! The IV was absolutely awful! Mama can not handle seeing you cry so I am so sorry, but I had to step our. I heard your cries through the doors and when it was finally over I rushed in to be with you and saw that your Daddy's eyes were filled with tears. We just love you so incredibly much and it's so hard to see you in pain; apparently your Daddy isn't as tough as he pretends to be! ;)

So we are currently waiting on the doctor to come in and discuss what's next. I hope all that's left is our discharge papers to get you home in your own (ahem...mama and daddy's) bed!

Update:
I am so happy to say that you are doing so much better! It was most certainly a scary few days. After the three bags if fluids they gave you...you were still dehydrated. The dr gave us the option of having you admitted or bringing you home She told us typically she would make you be admitted but she said the pediatric floor was currently "The Plague" with influenza and RSV and it would almost be better to let you go home and see dr parr in the morning...so at 330 in the morning we took you home with a prescription for Zofran to stop the vomiting. That next day Mama stayed home with you and forced Gatorade and you had a few crackers. By the time daddy got home you were babbling and smiling...just like your normal self! It took you another day to get down off our laps and actually start playing, but with each day we can tell that feel stronger.

It was absolutely awful seeing you so sick and so miserable. I thank The Lord that you're doing better!!!

Let Me Eat!!!!

Well...I think we have won the food battle! You might still be winning the sleep one, but mama and daddy has won the eating! It took a lot of patience and several very looooong dinners.... But you now eat everything in sight! You love your food and have no interest in baby food anymore. I know that you have gained a lot off weight now; I can feel it when I pick you up and you can definitely see a differences in your body. In fact, we have had to go up a size in your jeans...I feel that you are finally flourishing how you should have been all along!

We celebrated Valentines Day on Thursday. You had a party at your day care so we made little Mickey sugar cookies and put two of them plus a Mickey Valentine in a little bag for each of your friends at Nancy's. You helped mama make them...you worked really hard drawing on each of th valentines for all of your buddies. It was adorable! You also made one for Ma and Poppy, Kendalyin and KassKass, Aunt Sheena, Auntie, and Uncle Ezra. Sheena brought over a plate of sugar cookies and candy, Auntie brought a Mickey themed bag full of goodies! Stuffed Mickey, Mickey cup, plate, Mickey board books, and some of your favorite snacks. Ma and Poppy bought you candy, and Mama and Daddy got you a big I Love Yiu bear, a valentines book, and a big Mickey cookie! You also brought home a sack of yummy snacks and valentines from daycare. Needless to say...you are very loved!!!!

You are currently cuddled up on Maya's lap taking a nap. You had a putty rough night...I think you have th stomach flu AGAIN!!! You were up sick most all of the night; Mama didn't get any sleep because I was so nervous I would miss you starting to get sick. Every little noise made me panic! You have not been able to keep anything down yet today; my poor poor baby! :( I just hate it when you are sick...you do not understand what is going on and I just wish I could make it better for you! It is so sad!!!!

Besides this current little speed bump right now, you are still such a happy little guy! Last night, you figured out how to share with the doggies; you threw all the food off of your tray and laughed and laughed each time they would scurry over to get it. You got the biggest kick out of yourself!