So this marks my last week of maternity leave and I could not be any more upset about it! Before Lathan, the crazy hours at my job did not bother me, but now the thought makes me want to bawl. I just hope things get better there. I refuse to stay at a job where I will never see my newborn baby...something will have to change.
Lathan has his two month check on Thursday which means SHOTS! I just know this momma is going to bawl her eyes out...my poor baby! :( :( I hope that Lance can come with me to his appointment because having him there would really help. I hate being the bad guy...I tend to let Lance do those things. I am interested in seeing how long the little guy has gotten...he is WAY too big for his newborn sleepers now. He is so big!
Lathan is still so stinking' funny...the faces he make just crack us all up! He definitely is a little goof ball. He still loves to eat and still takes his sweet little time. He gave me a big smile yesterday...I grabbed my phone as fast as I could to take a picture of it because he has never smiled while he was awake! I immediately sent it to my family and of course Lance was so jealous that he missed it!
I have written this part of the post and deleted it several times, but I think I want to keep it. I need to release these feelings and these emotions. The last few weeks have been so tough; my mother has gotten so much worse. I do not know if it necessarily is progression of her cancer or it's just due to her medicine but she can hardly get around anymore. My heart just hurts. It aches for her- I would do any and everything in the world to help her with her pain. The past few weeks she has not ventured too far from her recliner... She has to use a cane or a walker, she just has such limited mobility now. I miss doing things with her so much - I just miss going to movies, going shopping, lunches, I just miss the way it used to be. I feel so selfish thinking that way...it is not all about me and I feel guilty even having those thoughts. I can not even imagine how much she must miss her everyday life. I think that is the worst part of all of it, my mind just races all the time at all the hypothetical thoughts of how my mom must feel, what she must think about each day. I just cry...some nights after feeding Lathan I can not fall back asleep and I silently cry into my pillow. I am so scared. I hope to God that the upcoming radiation she plans to receive helps her with her pain...slows down the aggressiveness. Dear God, please take care of her...I beg and plead. She says her entire right side is awful; it goes numb on her and sometimes it just stops working completely. My dad has to do so much for her and I know how it must kill her and her pride. This unfortunately is the current reality but I refuse to accept it is also her future...I refuse to accept it all together. As I said earlier, I pray that her current hormone therapy and her radiation provides her the relief she needs. I love her so much and I just need her so much still.
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