Well I turned 27 this week! 27 years old, married, with a baby. My oh my... I am a grown up! :) It was a great birthday...I took the afternoon off and spent it with my little man. We did a lot of cuddling and snuggling! :) That night I just spent the evening with Lance and Lathan - they bought me a new purse and we just had a wonderful night. Lance bought me a birthday card and "Lathan" wrote "Thank you for feeding me so good and thank you for all the kisses."lt was adorable! The next night I celebrated with my family... We went to a Japanese steakhouse and did cake and presents at my parents. It made me so happy to see my mom out and about... That was the best gift of all! Thursday, I went to dinner with my friends! It was a great few days!

Lathan is the happiest little baby! He just laughs and smiles all the time... It makes my heart melt! I love him so much! He really likes to play with his toys now - he has these toys hanging down from his car seat- a cow and pig- and he just flirts with the cow! He talks to it, laughs out loud at it, and then gets shy and smiles and looks away. It is the cutest thing I have ever seen! He just talks and babbles all the time; I can not get enough of that little voice.

I took off work Friday because I thought the little guy was starting to get a cold. He sounded very congested, was sort of fussy, and was eating 1 or 2 ounces rather than 4 or 5. When I took him to the doctor they said he had a little virus - lots of nasal congestion and a sore throat. Poor baby! :( Needless to say he got a lot of extra kisses and snuggles! We ran the humidifier, gave him a hot soothing vapor baby bath, rubbed Vicks Vapor rub on his chest, and used a nose spray for him. He seems to be doing better this morning... He is all curled up on my chest right now...snoring away! He is definitely trying to sleep off his cold.

When we were at the doctor's office, Lathan weighed 12 lbs 11 ounces! Holy cow! That's two pounds in three and a half weeks. That boy can EAT! I can not believe how fast he is growing and changing. He talks and plays so much... It is just so much fun. I love being a mama!

Life has been pretty tough the past two weeks...I think I have to constantly fight back tears. I think it is just a combination of everything...

Leaving Lathan has been so hard... I absolutely hate it and it still breaks my heart leaving him each morning. I know he is fine, but I just want to spend my time with him; I want to cuddle him to sleep or play with him and just simply enjoy the little miracle I created. The whole daycare situation has been stressing me out- Rebecca has stepped up so much to help me and i know it is because my mom can not help me like she helped Rebecca. I have so much respect for that and i can not thank her enough but I know it is hard on her. Rebecca has her own life and I hate asking for that much help. On top of that, I am trying so hard to keep up with breast feeding; I pump about 2-3 times a day at work and get about 4ounces per side... That's half what I used to get. My milk supply is definitely struggling! Tonight was better, but some past days ended with me bawling my eyes out about failing my son because my milk was drying up. (I told you I have a lot going on... Do not judge me!) I will continue to try for as long as possible...I really want to do this for my little man. We stopped using the shield and sometimes he seems to hate it that way and he will just SCREAM!!! It's getting better though... I have figured out that if he sucks on my finger for a few seconds he remembers what he is supposed to do and then he is just fine! He's such a funny little guy...

Lathan is still just so much fun though. He definitely makes a bad day turn great really fast... He talks and smiles up a storm! We carry on full conversations sometimes... He just answers in babbles and coos. I love it. He has been "one of the guys lately.. " KU plays in the national championship tonight and he has been a faithful little jayhawk and has watched all the games right beside his daddy, my dad, and his Uncle Dave. I'll post a picture of him watching with Lance... It's adorable!

He still only wakes us up once a night... I wake him up in the morning around six so I can nurse him before I leave for work. He is definitely a morning person; he is always so happy in the mornings! I'm sure not... So that must come from Lance!!

He has these little pigs and cows that hang from his car seat and he LOVES them! He just gets so excited when he sees them... He gets his arms and legs a waving and a kicking, he talks, smiles, laughs. It's the cutest thing! However, he has little monkeys above his bouncer and he just doesn't get along with them! It's a joke with us that he fights with them... He starts out perfectly fine and is talking and smiling, but then he gets MAD! He starts yelling at the monkeys and sometimes he even cries! When I pick him up he will still whine and complain for a while after. I promised him we would not leave him alone with the mean monkeys ever again!

This weekend I took Lathan to Grandpa's grave. Like I said earlier, I've been having such a hard time with everything so I just wanted to go feel close to him. So the two of us went out and we talked about everything... I told him all about Lathan and just cried about how much my mom could really use him right now. When I left... I felt so much more at peace. Man I miss him.

My mom continues to struggle on a daily basis... If its not one thing, it's another! Her next scans are April 25th and the dr thinks her cancer will have progressed a lot... I sure hope he is wrong. Her mobility is so limited right now... My dad has to do basically everything for her. I hate seeing her like that but I would take my mom in a wheelchair over not at all any day of the week. I just continue to pray that the treatment begins to work for her.. She is such an amazing person and deserves nothing but happiness; it is not fair that she has to deal with so much. Despite everything going on in her life, she is still such an amazing mom and "ma." She makes a point to check in on Lathan and play with him as much as possible despite her pain and fatigue and she makes such an effort to make the girl's happy. Kendalyn and her remind me of me and my Grandpa... There is definitely a very special bond there. She's just so strong. I love you mom.

We SURVIVED!!!

Well we survived my first week of work... The first day was pretty tough. I definitely cried but you were just fine! :) Your daddy and I have mastered the morning routine, but 5:30 AM comes WAY too early! I drop you off at your Aunt Rebecca's house a little bit after 7 and rush to work - I hate leaving you. It does makes my nights and weekends that much more special, but it does break my heart I can not love and cuddle with you all day. Unfortunately, mama doesn't get a paycheck for cuddling with you so I was forced to go back to work. Trust me, it was NOT by choice! Rebecca has made this a lot easier on me though... Miranda comes and watches you at her house do we don't have to drive you to Perry. Friday, Rebecca had you all day and I think she really enjoyed it! She took you to Ma's and you spent the day hanging out with all the ladies!

You are such a happy little man! You smile constantly...each time it just absolutely melts my heart! I can not get enough of you. You talk and babble all the time...we carry on conversations a lot of the time. You get so excited and get to kicking your little legs so fast!

Tuesday, your Aunt Rebecca called and said you had blood in your diaper. Seriously? My second day back to work and you were already falling apart! I took you to the doctor after I got off, and he told me you just had too many bowel movements in such a short amount of time. Seven before noon!! I told you that you were a pooping machine! :) It was such a relief that's all it was...I was really nervous!

Yesterday, you FINALLY nursed without the breast shield. Thank the Lord! That thing had started to drive me nuts! It would itch and my skin got really irritated because of the plastic.

Your Ma has been doing so-so. She has been really tired lately but always makes sure she gets to cuddle with you at least a little bit. She says "Hey boy!" She loves to just call you "Boy@ like Wendy called Peter Pan - she doesn't want you to ever grow up! Neither do I!!!

This weekend has been great...just hung out with my boys! Life is good!

Two Month Check-Up

Well little fella, today was your two month check up. You are not two months until the 22nd (obviously) but we did it a week early so I could be there and not be at work. Lance could not get off work on time to make it, so your "Ma" came as support for me...I think the shots were harder on me then they were on you! You definitely cried but I nursed you right away and you immediately calmed down; every so often, you would stop eating to talk and whine as if you were telling me all about it. It was so cute. You are a very tough little baby but it's still heartbreaking knowing that you were going to hurt. You are so healthy though and you have grown so much! You are 23 1/2 inches long (20 3/4 at birth) and 10 lbs 10 oz (7 lbs at birth.) Needless to say... You are so big!!!! You are in the 79th percentile for height and 30th percentile for weight - long and skinny just like your daddy!  You sure didn't get your momma's short stubby little butt!  I just absolutely adore you more and more each day.  It just absolutely crushes me when I think about having to go back to work on Monday...I just absolutely LOVE spending my days with you but I know that I will just treasure every night and weekend I have with you even more. 

You are such a vocal little baby - you just babble and talk all the time.  I could listen to it for hours and hours (except at 4 in the morning...and sometimes you sure want to talk then!)  When you get really excited you just start talking and get those little legs kicking as fast as they can go... you must have always been excited when you were in my belly!  I ALWAYS felt you kicking!!! 

You have been only waking up about once in the middle of the night to nurse...we have gotten a pretty good schedule down but that will all change next week when I go back to work.  My days will start at about 5:30 - YUCK!

You are such a chunk my arms and back always hurt from carrying your carseat around by myself...I sure miss your daddy's muscles when he is at work!  We do not go too many places though...I am still so worried about you getting sick that I do not venture too far from home with you. I am going to be such a crazy mom, I can already tell! You poor thing! :)

Rebecca and the girls walked over today and she was changing your diaper and you were just laughing at her hair! It was really curly and in a high ponytail from her walk. She said you were giving her a complex! Haha! Your daddy took the girls outside to play hide and seek and basketball so Rebecca and I took you out for your first time too! It was eighty degrees and beautiful...you loved it! The day before I took you out to get the mail but you did not like the sun...but today you enjoyed the outdoors and watched the girls run and play! You are going to have a blast when you get older!

You still love to cuddle with your momma. You pull your little legs up in a ball and just sleep so peacefully; it is so hard to ever put you down. I could hold you forever!! You still smile and laugh in your sleep all the time - you also SNORE! You snore so loud...it sounds like a grown man. You also pass gas like an old man...several times in public you have passes gas and went to the bathroom and it is so loud everyone turns around and stares. Of course, when they see it was you they think it's funny! That'll embarrass you reading this when you're older! :)

In my last post, I tearfully wrote about my fears and concerns about my mother - your "ma" - but my spirits have been drastically lifted over the past week.  The past two weeks she had pretty much confined herself to the house, she didn't want to drive anymore, she had stopped eating, and she could barely walk without almost complete support from my dad - your "poppy."  I am not sure what has changed but it is like night and day.  She has spent the past two days here at our house hanging out with you and I and I could not be any happier about it!  I surprised her yesterday and had a lady from Bella Salon and Day Spa come to the house and give her a spa pedicure...she was in heaven!  Then we just spent the rest of the day hanging out... and she was able to get around with a cane!  Today she came over to shower (since we have a walk in) and then she went with me to your doctor's appointment.  It just felt amazing having my mom out and about with me... I can not even count the number of times I cried because I missed being able to do things with her; your ma and I are VERY close and I just felt completely out of sorts having her so sick.  I usually talk to her several times throughout the day but she was just so sick she really wasn't even wanting to take phone calls.  After she got out of the emergency room this past weekend (for a possible blood clot - it turned out she was fine.) I called her and just started crying that I really missed her and we didn't have to talk about her health but I just needed to talk to her in general.  It was a very good talk and I am very glad that I had it. 

Seven Weeks Old

So this marks my last week of maternity leave and I could not be any more upset about it! Before Lathan, the crazy hours at my job did not bother me, but now the thought makes me want to bawl. I just hope things get better there. I refuse to stay at a job where I will never see my newborn baby...something will have to change.


Lathan has his two month check on Thursday which means SHOTS! I just know this momma is going to bawl her eyes out...my poor baby! :( :( I hope that Lance can come with me to his appointment because having him there would really help. I hate being the bad guy...I tend to let Lance do those things. I am interested in seeing how long the little guy has gotten...he is WAY too big for his newborn sleepers now. He is so big!


Lathan is still so stinking' funny...the faces he make just crack us all up! He definitely is a little goof ball. He still loves to eat and still takes his sweet little time. He gave me a big smile yesterday...I grabbed my phone as fast as I could to take a picture of it because he has never smiled while he was awake! I immediately sent it to my family and of course Lance was so jealous that he missed it!


I have written this part of the post and deleted it several times, but I think I want to keep it. I need to release these feelings and these emotions. The last few weeks have been so tough; my mother has gotten so much worse. I do not know if it necessarily is progression of her cancer or it's just due to her medicine but she can hardly get around anymore. My heart just hurts. It aches for her- I would do any and everything in the world to help her with her pain. The past few weeks she has not ventured too far from her recliner... She has to use a cane or a walker, she just has such limited mobility now. I miss doing things with her so much - I just miss going to movies, going shopping, lunches, I just miss the way it used to be. I feel so selfish thinking that way...it is not all about me and I feel guilty even having those thoughts. I can not even imagine how much she must miss her everyday life. I think that is the worst part of all of it, my mind just races all the time at all the hypothetical thoughts of how my mom must feel, what she must think about each day. I just cry...some nights after feeding Lathan I can not fall back asleep and I silently cry into my pillow. I am so scared. I hope to God that the upcoming radiation she plans to receive helps her with her pain...slows down the aggressiveness. Dear God, please take care of her...I beg and plead. She says her entire right side is awful; it goes numb on her and sometimes it just stops working completely. My dad has to do so much for her and I know how it must kill her and her pride. This unfortunately is the current reality but I refuse to accept it is also her future...I refuse to accept it all together. As I said earlier, I pray that her current hormone therapy and her radiation provides her the relief she needs. I love her so much and I just need her so much still.

Life is still pretty darn good! :)


Due to George Strait canceling his concert last week, we went back on Saturday as a second attempt...I am very glad we did - absolutely AMAZING!!! He was the one country singer I felt like I needed to see and I am so happy I was able to! Thank you to my wonderful husband for buying us those tickets as my Christmas gift; We had a wonderful time! I just really enjoy my time with Lance in general- I am truly married to my best friend. He treats me like a queen and I could not be any happier with someone- he is my one and only true love...no doubts about that! Also, a HUGE thank you to my parents for watching Lathan so we could actually see George Strait...since the weekend before was such a bust. I received a great report about Lathan though, they said he was a perfect baby! I really missed him, I can not even imagine what I am going to feel like when I have to go back to work. I just wish I could be the one that raises him 24/7 but I know it is not possible. My job has helped to financially get us where we are today; We live within our current means but we could not maintain that lifestyle on one income. So I will remain working and just treasure every moment I have not at work. It helps knowing Lathan will be with family and not in a daycare with a bunch of sick kids... He will be in good hands.


On a different note, I talked to Lance about going back to church...it is very important to me that Lathan is raised a Christian. I was extremely active in my church until recent years; I was born into West Side Christian church. I was blessed as a baby, baptized when I was 11, went to youth group, church camp each summer, etc etc. We sang church songs growing up, prayed before every meal... Christianity was just a very large part of my life. I turned away from the church the past few years because I did not feel any comfort or peace from the pastor... He really disappointed and hurt my family when my grandpa was sick and I just felt really let down by him. I sat in the front row for my Grandpa's funeral...and just never went back. I prayed all the time, I thanked God for blessings, prayed for miracles... But just did not partake in church. After a long battle and Pastor Matt's admittance to alcoholism, he stepped down as minister. I now feel that it is time to give West Side another chance. I miss my church family and I want Lathan to have the same experiences I did. Religion is very important to me and Lance is very supportive of it - we definitely plan to have Lathan blessed there within the next few months! :)


Today was my six week check up with Dr Tepley - Everything looks great! I am seven pounds away from pre-Lathan weight (but like 30 away until I am happy with myself) and I was cleared to do all regular activities! Exercising, Baths, and I do not even need to put Lance's favorite activity we can now do. Life is getting back to normal now with just a little something extra...Lathan!!

Happy Baby...Happy Mommy

Lathan is almost SIX weeks...I can not even believe it. I have to go back to work in little over two weeks...I do not even want to think about it. It completely breaks my heart that I won't be able to spend my days with him...I hope he does not fall in love with his nanny and forget about his mama! :( :( :(


Lance started his new job this week and we both miss him...it has definitely been an adjustment not having him here. He seems to really enjoy it though..it makes me so happy to see him so proud of himself for his job...he never really had that sense of pride at the county but he has FINALLY gotten the pay and benefits he deserved. Like I said though, we definitely miss him at home during the day; I a lot of respect for single moms...I have no idea how they do it day-in and day-out. I am enjoying all the quality time with him but the way that boy eats...it's sometimes hard to get a whole lot done. He nurses for about an hour at a time and MAX every three hours... Sometimes it feels like I get a 20 minute break. Such a big boy! He is over ten pounds now! Yesterday morning, he was eating and just started to laugh right in the middle. I started to crack up...the boy loves his food! Its a joke that everytime he sees me he wants to eat and every time he sees Lance he goes to the bathroom. We joked he was going to hold it while Lance worked. Monday, that's exactly what happened! Lance walked in the door and said "Hey buddy!" He leaned over and kisses him...turned to walk away and all of a sudden...bowel movement!! Lance and I were in tears we were laughing so hard... He has stopped doing that since, now I have the wonderful privilege changing his stinky butt all day.


He has been sleeping AMAZING lately! He wakes up once...about 4:30 in the morning and then sleeps until about 8 and wants to eat again. Somedays him and I lay down again afterwards...we cuddle in our bed then...just for an hour or so. Lathan on one side and Rocky on the other.


We have spent the last few days with my mom and I have really enjoyed it! Tuesday, Lathan and I just hung out and watched TV with her. Yesterday, she had to babysit the girl's so we decided to surprise them! It was Justin Bieber's birthday and they just LOVE him so we threw him a birthday party! We had balloons, streamers, cake, and Justin tattoos...they thought that was pretty funny. Definitely a great memory! My mom just LOVES cuddling with Lathan...and I know why! He's such a good little snuggler! He wraps his long arms around your neck and just cuddles up to your neck. I can not get enough of him.


Kassidy tells everyone that Lathan is her brother...in fact, her preschool asked my sister who her new baby brother was! How stinking cute is that??